Over the last year I blogged through two books that inherently changed my life forever. I have become so challenged by the authors of those books that I sought out another online book club to be apart of. Unfortunately life circumstances have kept me a little behind, but not far. I knew that this book was going to be a hard fight. But I really didn’t want to battle God. I wanted to be open to what He wanted me to learn and that meant setting my heart before Him and saying “Lord Get rid of the junk”. And he did!
So this letter I have chosen to share with you my readers and I will share it with him, this Friday. So before I start, this is not a place to judge. Your marriages aren’t perfect either…because you as human beings aren’t perfect…..so before you open your mouths with harshness, know this……out of his mouth his heart is made known!
To my dearest best friend,
Can you believe it has been a little over 13 years since we first met….it seems like yesterday! Yesterday when we sat on the front lawn of our beloved college waiting for the church van…you threw grass in my hair! Do you remember chasing me down the hall with highlighters in hand. Do you remember that first Valentines Dinner….candles, roses, a crocheted scarf. I will cherish that scarf forever. That scarf serves as a constant reminder to me of your servant hood . You set aside your pride and learned to crochet….just for me……life was so easy then!
Our friendship is still amazing and we share so much of our lives but I realize I hold the key…..the key to open doors of a deeper closer relationship. Not the type that is comfy like an old pair of slippers. I don’t want to be comfortable. I want to grow deeper. I don’t want life circumstances to interfere with our relationship! I want to get better not comfortable! Comfortable eventually wears out. I want to move forward.
You were a man of drive, a man of honor……a man of love. You had huge goals. You had a huge love for God! Every bit of it was what I fell in love with. But I have a confession to make, I put you on a very high pedestal. I thought you were perfect. And when you finally fell off I was distraught. That was totally unfair of me, but instead of admitting that was wrong I played the victim. Woe is me became my new mantra, though no one heard it but you!. I complained, and complained and complained some more.
I’m sorry! As the last few years have passed I have been so concerned with the world around me, I have not seen or heard the trials you face head on. And yet you always are sacrificial for everyone! Me, the kids, church. NO ONE understands just how much you give! Time, money, more time, your physical strength, time.
Everyone is quick to tell you, “you do too much” right before they take a deep breath and tell you all you are not doing right! Yep! Guilty as changed! I cannot even remember the last time you took a true day of rest or done something just for yourself! You are always sacrificing something for someone! And as I have sat back and watched with open eyes over the last few weeks I have seen something amazing! I have watched our oldest show similar servanthood to others…was it well received…nope! It was criticized, just as yours is…..just as Christ was. What a picture I have seen over the last few weeks! It is a picture of Christ’s love.
His sacrifice of both personal and physical. You pour yourself into so much and so many people…..without complaint! Over the last two weeks as I took to watching you as you served and helped those who needed you, I realized just how much you have given up. I truly believe I have learned more of your heart, passion, grace and love in the past two weeks, because for once I took my eyes off of my selfish desires and really watched you! I have watched you toil for our family. I have watched you grieve over lost souls and the hard hearts of others. I have watched you share your passion to see growth and work tirelessly to help our church grow deeper in their relationship with God.
As I have prayed for an open heart and mind God brought to mind countless hours on the road visiting the sick and broken hearted . I think of the hours you have helped meet the physical needs of those in our church and our community. I have watched you drive hours for perfect strangers and console families who have no hope in our community! I have watched you be Christ to those who have never been formally introduced! I have watched you invest into people that you knew would be hard on you and be your worst critics…and yet you love them no differently than another
I long for the days we can serve side by side! I love being your wife! I’m sorry for all the negativity at times. I could have a million excuses but none of them are acceptable! I’m sorry for the lack of grace! I wish I could say it won’t ever happen again but truth be told I won’t live up to that. What I do want you to know is that I want to serve you like you have served me and our family. Like I have watched you serve those in our church and those lost families in our community. I’m sorry my eyes have been dimmed by the world around me, my own selfish insights, and the enticement of appearances!
I’m sorry I placed you on the perfection pedestal , that was not fair to you! You cannot ever be all things to all people. I need to rely on God for so much more! My grievances should go to God, I should trust him. You do such an amazing job balancing all God has called us to do! I’m so proud of you! Your love is so deep. Your relationship with God is pure! God blessed me so much when He gave me you! You have inspired me to live unconditionally . To serve graciously. To give joyously. To work myself to death. (That as I have argued with God really is a biblical principle ) To care for as many needs as possible and to get as much out of my days as earthly possible! You really do challenge me to be the best me I can be, not to be perfect, just the best me!
I know things won’t be perfect but I want to accept the challenge Courtney gave in her book ” I want to complete you not to compete with you!”
Thank you for sacrificing so much for everyone! You truly are a picture of Christ to all you come in contact with! I will love you til death do us part!
Love
