It's Not About What You Know - Walking By Faith

Have you ever heard the saying “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care”?

It was something I learned when I began working at the Crisis pregnancy center. I already “knew it” but I had never heard the saying before. It was our goal to show the women we ministered to just how much we cared for and loved them. It’s why they brought their friends and family back to us when they needed help. They knew it was a safe place.They knew they were loved.

We all know people….

I think we all know people who we meet for the very first time and they feel the need to rattle off all the things they know. Sometimes it is our nerves getting the better of us. However for some people it is a matter of arrogance.

They just think that they have all the answers, they see a problem in your life and it is their job to tell you how to fix it. These people will rattle off Bible verses and quotes from books and radio speakers. They assume that every issue is cookie cutter and they have the answers for YOU!

A Couple of Examples

So let’s say person A witnesses you have a struggle of wills with your child. The child is young and you are firm but consistent and you follow through. You did a fabulous job. Yes the child cried and tried to get their way, but in the end you didn’t cave to the whining. Person A is older and view themselves as much wiser. And they think that they saw some flaws.

So they tell you how you could have handled things differently. They don’t try to understand the circumstances and don’t care to realize that this was a simple battle of the wills. Sometimes people think that the goal of parentling is to never have a child that whines, cries or throws a tempter tantrum. Here’s the thing. How else can we know what our children hearts need? These are warning signals that there is a deeper issue that needs to be worked on (Ahem Negative influence traits- and yesterdays blog post).

Now a few weeks later person A is lamenting about the state their adult child’s life is in. How they are feeding off their parents and can’t seem to live life for themselves. So you ask questions and what emerges you see is an enabling of this behavior. So this person may have a lot of head knowledge but they A) can’t seem to apply what they told you to their own lives . B) They didn’t take the time to get to know your circumstances before passing judgement on them. They don’t want to be told what they are doing is wrong. They just want someone to care.

Their walk doesn’t match their talk.

Let me introduce Person B-

Person B in this situation is a person who has NEVER had a child but has all the answers (actually what they have is a bunch of ideals). They even MIGHT have some verse (usually taken out of context) to hurl at you. I have found that these people are usually teenagers, young adults and elderly people. They have a whole bunch of knowledge or so they think. And they aren’t afraid to let you know how you are doing it wrong.

What they know is what they think is most important.

Now being a parent of 4 very different children has helped me to toss out my ideals. Yes we all have them. They all sound like “My child will NEVER do that”. I will Never let MY kid do that”. (now there are biblical standards we need to uphold- I’m not talking compromising on those).

Let’s use a fun example here – TV

One of the big ones I had was “the TV will never babysit my child”.

Ok great there is great premise here. Until you are very pregnant with child #4 (or super sick) and you can’t move because of excruciating pain in your lower back. Your hubby is on a trip helping someone. Your job is to keep 3 other small children alive in the process. (Guilty as CHARGED) and ya know what my kids are great! Yes I had friends who judged me. They let me know their ideals and how I was failing in their minds. Ya know what would have been encouraging? Some sympathy, some grace and some understanding.

Knowing all the “right” answers isn’t always the best.

A child that changed everything

So ok I have these first two kids and we have worked through a lot (Child #1 was nickname Tornado for a reason). But nothing could prepare me for lay ahead with child #3. Child #3 has autism. I have shared this before. As much as my ideals were let go of with the first two kiddos, there were still things I held onto.

Then along came the little boy who changed everything. He taught our family to love differently. It took a lot for us to learn how to help him. And then all of a sudden out of the woodwork came all the advice.

He will grow out of it.
He seems completely fine.
You shouldn’t have him diagnosed
It’s a life sentence.

The funny thing is we learned a lot more from the little boy with big struggles than from those who tried to “encourage”. As much as he has grown and changed, he still has some struggles. BUT his influence changed a lot of people. Those people who gave unsolicited advice now marvel at him. They no longer say he will “grow out of it”. They now see this amazing kid who is loving and gifted. The no longer say getting him diagnosed was a life sentence, they see how much getting him diagnosed has helped him.

What cam from this experience.

We have a lot of personal experience with special needs. And so when I began working at the pregnancy center I was assigned people to mentor who had kids with special needs. I could have rattled off all that I knew and all I had experienced but I knew that this wasn’t going to be effective.

Instead I asked lots of questions and listened to their hearts. (I tried to treat others how I wanted to be treated) What were their deepest struggles. I asked them what they needed from me and how could I best help them.

Once they knew that I really cared I now had the opportunity to share what I knew and had experienced.

Don’t be that person

This is just one simple example. we can all think of a bunch of other examples of this. I want to continue t have that kind of influence. I don’t want to be that person who thinks they know how to fix every problem. I want to be that person whois going encourage and lift up.

But sometimes I have failed, we all have.. And when that happens we need to be humble and admit we have fallen short. That we have let people down and apologize.