Ir really seems like i have to do this every. Single. Day.
My heart grows faint. I feel as though I fail. Somedays success is counting all four kids as they sleep. If they are all there, it’s been a successful day! Ah you think i jest but in reality losing a child ( literally) is something I have to deal with all the time. It is probably the biggest worry right now in this phase of having a five year old son with autism!
I never know when or where he will bolt but i literally wake up with panic attacks in the middle of the night and i have to go check to make sure he is still there. I have spent SOOOO. Much time keeping my eyes on him that it seems as though EVERYTHING around me is falling apart. I stand back and i look at half done projects, an unclean house, devotions needing to be done, one filthy kid who fell asleep before his bath, burnt dinner (or completely forgotten at that). Late paperwork, unreturned phone calls missed emails…and forget the shower!
We like to think that life is this nice, neat little package, that needs to be handled the same way every time. The problem is that not every day starts the same way! We can start off the day with getting up early, doing our devos, getting the kids lunches packed….you know the mornings that RARELY start that way…lol we would love them to, but then reality POPS that little day dream bubble! It’s usually is with someone needing me for something, burning, barking, puking. Phones ringing, knocks at the door. AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON………AND ON!
So at the end of the day when the four little munchkins are safe in their beds, and I collapse in a chair, unable to find the mental capacity let alone the physical ability to continue on, and as I scan the debris scattered around me and of the to-do list that once reached Tokyo that now is headed for Beijing and the mountain of laundry that seemed so accomplishable but now feels like Mount Rushmore, where or where do I turn. I feel alone, ashamed..a failure!
I have found solace in a couple of things…..
-God is always with me (even in my biggest of messes)
-my joy is not found in the approval of others
-nor is my purpose, rest or faith
-Christ’s blood covered ALL of my imperfections, AND that is ALL. I need!
-My best is all i have to offer…..anything more is by the grace of God
Those are my resting points. Those are the things I am confident in.
I hope this helps! It surely did for me, as i remind myself of my purpose…to bring glory to God in all that say and do.
That may not look like what you might expect…or what I might expect….
It might just mean being focused on others rather than that to-do list that now reaches to Turkey!
Have a great night all!
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