Well, i find myself writing late yet again. I have appreciated this oppertunity to share my story. I don’t mind sharing my story, matter of fact I love it! I did’t use to but last year at a Ladies Conference i realized that my story is unique, that God created just for me to share for His glory…is it perfect? No! Are there things that I’m not proud of? Most definitely!
Well let’s jump in at Chapter 8- Perseverence
One of the hardest things to teach children, teenagers and most adults is perseverence, but it is one of the most valuable! This was a hard lesson for me….it was at 16 …and even today at 33!
In 1996, my droctors had informed me three years prior, i was the youngest kid in the coutry with my visual impairment. At 14 I had surgery and at 16 returned. I had persevered through literally weeks of torture…but more on that later! There were coutless hours of tests, and allergic reactions to tests. And next to no support from friends and denial from close family. And feeling like God had deserted me….what on earth could be done with this blind kid! I felt worthless. I didn’t want to continue on…it hurt too badly. I felt as though i couldn’t go on!
I realize now, God wanted me in that place……Why? He, like the shepherd who trains his sheep by breaking its leg and then carrying it til it is healed, wanted to make an inseperable bond. One that beyond a shadow of a doubt know that i could ALWAYS trust God no matter what! I looked for comfort everywhere….God kept me from some pretty dangerous stuff. I was a prime candidate for drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, and many other things…..but i sought solice in art, music,writing. None of which I was very good at at the time (and the music i listened to was not indicative of peace either). But none of that helped. It wasn’t until i looked to God that perseverence was possible. I couldn’t have continued…it wasn’t possible
Fast forward to January 2013…..the last 4 months had been the absolute loneliest i had traveleed in the journey of life. Everyone around me was watching me, judging me. Fear was gripping me. I was scared. I was sad…..my hope was waning. Two major relationships were failing in My life had fallen in a heap before me.(Don’t worry my husband and I are fine) I had to choose between these two relationships or protecting my 5 year old autistic son…..and I was NOT liking where God was leading.. This was really going to be the hardest thing to date God has asked me to do. Now i cannot share more details than that. I know that this is not very helpful to you but i choose to show respect than to hurt and i know going farther would hurt.
For the last 9 months I have prayed, and wept longing for resolution. I had to make a choice and I chose my five year old. Was it easy? No way. Was it neccesssary? Absolutely! I am in full blown perseverence…here is my motivation….God has Mine and my son’s best interest at heart.. He loves me and promises me and my son that He would never leave us or forsake us! That is what keeps all of us in this house going!
Now heres where my story combines together…..this is where these two seperate accounts become my life on a whole.
Chapter 9-Live Thankful.
I am a reader by nature…i have no idea how many books in my lifetime i have read but I do know this……that one of my favorite book characters….and movie characters for that matter is Pollyanna. Pollyanna gets a bad wrap sometimes because nothing ever got to her, but Pollyanna is deeply misunderstood. Pollyanna had a rough life. She was an orphan, and then became a parapalegic. She went to live with a grumpy old aunt who was just doing her duty! Nothing screams perfect life by any of the things mentioned. And for the record when she found out she was paralyzed, she didn’t want to play the “glad game”. Even as a missionary pastor her father had to teach Pollyanna that even when life hands you crutches rather than the promised doll there was something to be “glad” about……she could be glad that she didnt need said crutches. This is a very valuable lesson to learn. Both as children and adults. We aren’t always going to get what we want but there are always things to be thankful for in the things we do have.
ie. I may want to drive a car but though i can’t, i can be glad that I won’t ever get a ticket for driving (it’s silly i know but it does make me smile)
Here’s another not so silly one. I can feel down about not being able to see well OR. I can be thankful that i can see tree leaves changing color, blue skies, sunshine and four freckled smiling faces! (You see I have partial sight)
You see I have hundreds of choices to make everyday….
I can either be completely unhappy with my life and the circumstances or i can focus on even the smallest of blessings and show gratitude to the One who gave me my next breath!
Chapter 10-Worship anyway
This is probably one of the hardest things to do when you are feeling alone and unworthy. Its hard to truely worship God when you are mad at Him for those really hard circumstances, but I will say this start with worship by yourself. Start with peaceful music, prayer, and your Bible but don’t ignore church. I know it is hard when it feels the entire congregation is judging you…trust me, i too feel that way as a pastors wife. Does it mean it’s true…maybe or maybe not, but go anyway……God knows this life is not easy. He knows its going to get tough before we do. In everything He is Worthy of worship! Even the hardest places you have ever been! Worship Him!
Thanks for joing me on this journey. This is the first time i have shared these parts of my live so publicly! I hope to do so more often. Please check out Stacey Thackers blog 29 lincoln Ave for more Being Ok with Where you are stories!
