I Expected something different to happen when I chose the word intentional for the year. I think I nailed down my word for 2021 way back in September or October of 2020.
I knew somethings needed to change in how I was approaching life…..not that it was bad but I had lost myself (more on that on Wednesday next week) and with it had went my purpose. I still clung to it but it was hard to see. Something else had gotten in the way…SURVIVAL.
It’s hard to be intentional and in Survival Mode all at the same time
When we hit survival mode we are doing sometimes the bare minimum. We are kicking our legs in the proverbial swimming pool of life trying to stay afloat. Being intentional is rooted in a very strong sense of purpose. I knew what my purpose was I just Couldn’t seem to connect the dots. I was just on auto pilot all the time.
Now some of this feeling or sense of auto-pilot and exhaustion was most certainly linked to the ticking time bomb that was very quickly growing in my belly. And when it had reached it’s full capacity and needed to be dealt with I had chosen to be very intentional with Christmas. I laid out all these really cool plans and we intentionally built in family time and serving another family. BUT……that isn’t what my focus ended up being. God used that medical emergency to teach me another form of intentionality. REST and FOCUS.
Intentional REST and FOCUS
Intentional rest was going to become the necessity over the next 9 months because the medical journey was really only beginning. Rest was going to be required and I was going to need to learn to listen to my body. I couldn’t just fly into auto-pilot and do all he things now. My iron levels plummeted. I needed to be able to have a new intentional focus.
That focus was learning out to think beyond the anxiety that was becoming my new normal. At first we thought it was just related to the medical trauma that had happened but as the doctor delved deeper into blood work we started noticing that my iron levels never reached a “normal level”. Now back in December I had learned this intentional focus on a whole new level. Pain and Fear.
Pain
Pain was now a new part of my life and I am not talking about ouch a sprained my toe. It was a new level of pain…..pain that surpassed labor…..surpassed the never ending pain of a gallbladder issue and left me pretty close to the edge of insanity. I kept telling hubby at least for the labor you have a break (sometimes) between contractions. This was intense constant and really the narcotics didn’t touch it.
I really had to practice focusing on the truths I know about God and his promises. It was the only way I could make it through and it was going to be the only way I could handle the fears that would bombard me in the coming months.
Fears
The fears would race through my head as my heart began racing….and the anxiety kicked in. Faster and faster my heart would feel like it was in a race but I was laying flat on my back. My mind would take off trying to outrun my heart. Irrational fears would join the race and my body felt out of control. Something had to change and fast.
I began to learn about iron deficiency and anemia. I was making intentional choices about what I was putting into my body. I have become an unintentional expert in what foods were rich in iron. I have made some of the craziest things to eat/ drink but nothing was working. In the midst of all of that I learned something very powerful. one of the side effects of iron deficiency is AXIETY and heart racing.
Knowing this made a powerful impact on the sometimes hourly struggles I was now having. I could be even more intentional in the thoughts when they started spinning out of control!
Letting Go intentionally
If you read yesterday’s post we all struggle with letting Go. And I came face to face with letting Go in March. As we made our final decision to leave hubby’s ministry position of 12 years, I had to make a very intentional choice of letting go. I could have held on tightly to some of the things I had to let go of. But I learned a long time ago told hold things with an open hand. It’s way worse if God has to pry our fingers open and remove whatever we are holding onto.
I have watched people hold onto things and not let go as they exited ministry. It hurt so many people. And the ministry and I knew I had to be intentional about leaving. It was hard very hard. But in the end there was a sense of closure for both us and the people we were letting Go of!.
Other Intenionalities
Along the way I have also had to be intentional in so many other ways.
Intentional:
- prayer- praying for hard things. It might mean seeing hurtful things happen but if it helps people to get back in a right relationship with Jesus
- purpose-keeping my eye on what I am called and gifted to do rather than just filing in gaps .
- gratitude
- attention
- boundaries
- fun
- writing/blogging
- reading
- family time
- listening
- planning
- balance
- no’s
- yes’
So what I thought would turn out to be a year of choosing intentional time morphed into intentional everything.
How about you? Have you made a choice to be more intentional in a certain area only to be taken on a journey of intentionality..
I’m so glad that you joined me for day 41 of Choosing Courage 100 day blogging project. If you are just joining in you can check out the first post here. And if you have missed any of the other posts you can check them out here.
One book that has helped greatly in having Intentional thoughts is Get Out of Your Head by Jennie Allen You can Check her out here
