Tag: Choosing Courage

When I picked Intentional….

Posted on by Mary
Intentional;

I Expected something different to happen when I chose the word intentional for the year. I think I nailed down my word for 2021 way back in September or October of 2020.

I knew somethings needed to change in how I was approaching life…..not that it was bad but I had lost myself (more on that on Wednesday next week) and with it had went my purpose. I still clung to it but it was hard to see. Something else had gotten in the way…SURVIVAL.

It’s hard to be intentional and in Survival Mode all at the same time

When we hit survival mode we are doing sometimes the bare minimum. We are kicking our legs in the proverbial swimming pool of life trying to stay afloat. Being intentional is rooted in a very strong sense of purpose. I knew what my purpose was I just Couldn’t seem to connect the dots. I was just on auto pilot all the time.

Now some of this feeling or sense of auto-pilot and exhaustion was most certainly linked to the ticking time bomb that was very quickly growing in my belly. And when it had reached it’s full capacity and needed to be dealt with I had chosen to be very intentional with Christmas. I laid out all these really cool plans and we intentionally built in family time and serving another family. BUT……that isn’t what my focus ended up being. God used that medical emergency to teach me another form of intentionality. REST and FOCUS.

Intentional REST and FOCUS

Intentional rest was going to become the necessity over the next 9 months because the medical journey was really only beginning. Rest was going to be required and I was going to need to learn to listen to my body. I couldn’t just fly into auto-pilot and do all he things now. My iron levels plummeted. I needed to be able to have a new intentional focus.

That focus was learning out to think beyond the anxiety that was becoming my new normal. At first we thought it was just related to the medical trauma that had happened but as the doctor delved deeper into blood work we started noticing that my iron levels never reached a “normal level”. Now back in December I had learned this intentional focus on a whole new level. Pain and Fear.

Pain

Pain was now a new part of my life and I am not talking about ouch a sprained my toe. It was a new level of pain…..pain that surpassed labor…..surpassed the never ending pain of a gallbladder issue and left me pretty close to the edge of insanity. I kept telling hubby at least for the labor you have a break (sometimes) between contractions. This was intense constant and really the narcotics didn’t touch it.

I really had to practice focusing on the truths I know about God and his promises. It was the only way I could make it through and it was going to be the only way I could handle the fears that would bombard me in the coming months.

Fears

The fears would race through my head as my heart began racing….and the anxiety kicked in. Faster and faster my heart would feel like it was in a race but I was laying flat on my back. My mind would take off trying to outrun my heart. Irrational fears would join the race and my body felt out of control. Something had to change and fast.

I began to learn about iron deficiency and anemia. I was making intentional choices about what I was putting into my body. I have become an unintentional expert in what foods were rich in iron. I have made some of the craziest things to eat/ drink but nothing was working. In the midst of all of that I learned something very powerful. one of the side effects of iron deficiency is AXIETY and heart racing.

Knowing this made a powerful impact on the sometimes hourly struggles I was now having. I could be even more intentional in the thoughts when they started spinning out of control!

Letting Go intentionally

If you read yesterday’s post we all struggle with letting Go. And I came face to face with letting Go in March. As we made our final decision to leave hubby’s ministry position of 12 years, I had to make a very intentional choice of letting go. I could have held on tightly to some of the things I had to let go of. But I learned a long time ago told hold things with an open hand. It’s way worse if God has to pry our fingers open and remove whatever we are holding onto.

I have watched people hold onto things and not let go as they exited ministry. It hurt so many people. And the ministry and I knew I had to be intentional about leaving. It was hard very hard. But in the end there was a sense of closure for both us and the people we were letting Go of!.

Other Intenionalities

Along the way I have also had to be intentional in so many other ways.

Intentional:

  • prayer- praying for hard things. It might mean seeing hurtful things happen but if it helps people to get back in a right relationship with Jesus
  • purpose-keeping my eye on what I am called and gifted to do rather than just filing in gaps .
  • gratitude
  • attention
  • boundaries
  • fun
  • writing/blogging
  • reading
  • family time
  • listening
  • planning
  • balance
  • no’s
  • yes’

So what I thought would turn out to be a year of choosing intentional time morphed into intentional everything.

How about you? Have you made a choice to be more intentional in a certain area only to be taken on a journey of intentionality..

I’m so glad that you joined me for day 41 of Choosing Courage 100 day blogging project. If you are just joining in you can check out the first post here. And if you have missed any of the other posts you can check them out here.

One book that has helped greatly in having Intentional thoughts is Get Out of Your Head by Jennie Allen You can Check her out here

Letting Go- Day 40

Posted on by Mary
Letting

Letting Go. I don’t know about you but it is probably the thing I have done most in my life. And it got even more intense as a mom. When our kids learned to walk we had tp let go. And they had to let go, but letting go is TERRIFYING.And as kids get older it gets worse.

It was so difficult to let go of my oldest son at age 12when hubby told me I had to let him go…..to the lake to go fishing by himself. I should preface this by saying it was a Christian camp where our family is very well known and there was very little traffic and he was a fairly responsible child and a pretty good swimmer.

Letting Go as they get older

I have to chuckle because at that moment of letting Go at 12 seemed so huge, but it’s been 4 years. Yep He’s 16 and yep he has his learners permit. It was a few days of struggle letting him get behind the wheel. But see I have been practicing! That moment at age 12 was really serving the purpose of getting ready for this moment and this moment is preparing me for one day down the road for another letting go moment. I am soooo grateful that this is how God has it set up…..Baby Steps. Hmmmm interesting that that’s how the very first moments of letting go are- baby steps. Mommy’s ad daddy’s need to let their little ones go. Yes they may tumble but we cheer them on to get up and keep going.

And babies need to let go of the furniture they are cruising around . It’s the first step in a long line of letting go.

Hello 2021

Hindsight is 2020 (I know that was last year) but looking back I had no concept that this year was going to be a year long process of learning to let go. .

I have let go of

  • confort
  • friends
  • miistry
  • fears
  • balance
  • ideals (this has been a theme for a LONG time- you would think I would have learned my lesson by now )
  • promises
  • committements others made
  • hurts, frustrations
  • the past
  • normal
  • time
  • energy
  • time like I once knew it

Now before you assume you know what I am talking about – I will guaruntee you don’t Most of these things surprised me I wasn’t expecting any of these things.

I wish I could tell you that letting go has gotten easier over the years…for some things it has but for others- nor so much. A lot of his has to do with preparing your heart and being willing to trust God with it all We can have peace. Not that it’s easier but we can trust. AND Letting Go is one of the biggest displays of our faith in God – when we trust him that he has it all under control!

Have you ever had a season of learning to let go? What was the hardest part?

I’M SO GLAD YOU JOINED ME FOR DAY 40 OF MY CHOOSING COURAGE 100 DAY WRITING PROJECT!

In case you missed them you can catch up on the other posts here

My Greatest Joy- Day 38

Posted on by Mary
Greatest

Good morning all! So quick question. Can you guess what my greatest Joy is? This is one of those blog post ideas that I had once upon a time and I wrote down this great idea (a title) and no other details! UGH! Yes I have learned from my mistake But each week as I read through my post idea list this one almost taunts me. Coming out of a season where I had to be super intentional about my gratitude and having to REALLY hone in my sights to what brings me true joy- I struggled to remember what laid behind this blog post. That is until this Sunday.

So what makes something the “GREATEST”

When I think of “the greatest”. I think about the absolute best And coming out of the Olympic season we heard the term GOAT. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why on earth it was a compliment to be called a GOAT…..that is I finally put two and two together and realized it stood for “Greatest Of All Time”. AHA but as the Olympics continued on we began to see that GOATs weren’t perfect. They might be considered the Best in the world (at that time) but it didn’t mean they were perfect.

Since Sunday and realizing and remembering what my greatest joy is I kept coming back to this word perfect. Greatest does not equal perfect. Jesus is my perfect joy- I get so much joy from Him….and that is where my greatest joy stems from.

I took a step forward

But not like you might be thinking. I was in the middle of praising Jesus and all of a sudden a thought came to mind. So I took a tiny step forward and glanced down our row of chairs. And what I saw and heard struck the deepest sense of joy I have felt in a long time. And all I had to do is LOOK. I didn’t have t do anything. I didn’t need to get anything. I just needed to pay attention. And then in that moment my reason for putting that post title came flooding back….

What I saw…and heard

Looking to my left and right I saw 4 kids who were worshipping Jesus in their own way…without any reservation. They weren’t being judged they were in their own spaces one on one lifting the name of their Savior in song You could tell it was personal. AND THAT brought me my greatest joy and made me praise Jesus all the more.

And as that welled up in my soul, thoughts came flooding back- of a teenager asking me (very sheepishly) if I could read the Bible with her. Or another teenager asking if I would go forward with her at a youth conference. Seeing tears flow down her faces she prayed which in turn made me ugly cry because I had been praying for this girl for oh so long.

To see a group of 17 teenagers- boys and girls embrace and love each other like I have never seen any other group of humans ever do. Such different backgrounds….such different experiences….such different economic backgrounds…encourage each other lift each other up…and just care. Yes they had their moments of disagreement but that was rare.

To watch on any given Sunday morning a herd of children run up to new kids and invite them to “come play with us in the gym”. To swallow up the new ones, it wasn’t an exclusive club for these kids. They wanted to include everyone because they themselves had been included.

Teens who would share their deepest burdens of their hearts because they felt safe.

Women who were honest about where they were at- tears shed as they shared their broken places.

And then I remembered – my Greatest Joy WAS perfect every single time-

Changed Lives- It didn’t matter how it happened or how messy it was. When people were honest with themselves and really let Jesus change them- there is nothing better (except for seeing them all in heaven someday.)

BUT My greatest Joy is also linked to my greatest sorrow

This was a harsh reality for me Monday and I am not going to lie all of the emotions that flooded my soul was rough. I was angry I was sad I was disappointed. I was crushed.

I’m not going to tell you what happened but I will give you a breakdown…..

  • selfishness (putting oneself before others)
  • mistreatment of others
  • a limiting of grace to someone else (the idea that You only deserve this much …………because of………….)
  • Rejection
  • judging

The list could go on. There was this realization that people aren’t willing to change.. They know what is right and wrong. They can even verbalize it BUT they are unwilling to let that change them. Their hearts are hard. They think they are entitled, They make an exclusive club and they limit God’s grab for certain people. THAT is my greatest sorrow because that isn’t what God teaches in his word.

Jesus says “Love your Neighbor as yourself”

We ask “who is our neighbor?” looking for a specific easy to love group of people -mostly the ones just like us.

Jesus answers EVERYONE.

We don’t get to pick and choose who get’s love, grace and mercy. But we tend to think that we get to be that judge. We don’t. we are commanded to (to quote NIKE) -“JUST DO IT”

And at the end of the day

My realization was this

  • I’m glad Jesus doesn’t treat us like this.
  • that I am called to be like Jesus so I need to treat people like Jesus treats me
  • It’s not my job to withhold grace mercy and love- it’s my job to lavishly give it out- just like those kids. who didn’t see backgrounds, color, economic standing , or anything else for that matter
  • I need to die to self and put others before myself
  • I need to not just take in the information from God’s word I need to apply it . And Not just bits and pieces that make me comfortable
  • It’s not about what is easy for me. It’s not about my time, my money, my strength. It’s about serving Jesus with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength- REALLY my whole life- not holding anything back. It’s not about Convenience. (It wasn’t easy or convenient for Jesus to die on the cross)

All of this from a bunch of teenagers and a bunch of kids. Oh how we have lost sight of what is most important. I promise you if you can learn these lessons from children you too will experience the greatest Joy because it’s not MY greatest Joy- It’s Jesus’!!!!!

Thanks for joining me for Day 38 of my Choosing Courage 100 day blogging project. If you are new here you can check out this blog post that explains it all. 

And if you have fallen behind or missed some posts you can check it out here

Change: Week 5 Update

Posted on by Mary
Change

Good morning! And I can ACTUALLY say that! I have and am in the process of making some big changes around here. As much as I have loved this writing project for 100 days I have hated every minute of the schedule I was keeping! I have been thinking and praying a lot about how to change the cycle I was in but nothing came to be until yesterday.

And then I remembered something……

Let’s Go Back in time (Cue Time machine sounds and funky music)

See the girl over there sitting in the old brown restaurant style booth. She’s had a busy afternoon and evening and now she was settling in to focus on her schoolwork- She’s a college student. She has a lot of trouble focusing She always has. She has so many things bouncing around in her brain.

But recently she made a discovery. She discovered that if she spent 30 minutes writing creatively then she could focus really well. And right now she is the only person in the room (that’s why it’s her favorite spot) but if she hurries she can get the creative writing in before the mad rush of people come into the student center for snacks and social time. So she put her head down and began scrawling down the new idea that had been bouncing around in that brain of hers all day.

Something Magic

With Each passing word that flowed out the end of her writing utensil her brain became alive and focused and driven. She had focus like she has never had before. Words came quickly and she almost never had to stop, erase or rethink the wording.

And then she was done. She would pack away her writing piece never to return to it again. And then the truly magical thing happened- She pulled out her schoolwork and she began working At some point the quietness turned into a murmur and then to a dull roar. There was chaos going on around her but that didn’t matter Her brain was calmed and she could focus on anything now. The time came fore her to close her books and she headed back to her dorm room. She changed, climbed into bed and laid there wondering why on earth she couldn’t fall asleep. Her brain was fully alive and functioning, not in the haze it had been that afternoon.

*cue time machine sounds and funky music* with a brief stop at yesterday.

Is that that the same girl?

The time machine comes t a screeching halt in front of a blue house and hey is that the same girl sitting out from with her journal in front of her.? The posture is the same. Hunched over her work. Her hair is the same color just shorter and she looks older. But she is just as busy scribbling away. She stops. She looks up. She is thinking about something. The girl in the booth didn’t do that. A smile spreads across her face. She picks up a strange flat box sitting next to her. Her fingers fly across the screen. Oh wait the front door open a teenager comes out, he’s holing a soccer ball, and he starts talking to her…He calls her MOM. She answers his question and he goes back inside. Wow a lot has changed for that college student sitting in that booth from so long ago.

She goes back to scribbling furiously. She stops picks up her head and smiles. It’s almost as if she remembered something. She picks up that flat shiny box again and turns it on . She looks startled. She pushes the chair away from the table gets her stuff together and heads inside. I guess it is time for me to head back to today. I climb back in my time machine and I look back as the front door closes behind her and I smile.

*cue Time Machine Sounds and Funky music*

An AHA moment and a Change

As I sit here this morning typing furiously on my laptop, I smile because I know exactly what that girl was going through…both that one from 20 years ago AND the one from yesterday. Because I am that girl. And I have been frustrated as of late. Yesterday when I was scribbling in that journal- my prayer time to be exact- I was asking God to help me figure out this writing schedule problem. It’s kinda been a vicious cycle over the last five weeks. And just like the girl from 20 years ago I will write my brains out before bed and then go upstairs and read I will be tired but my brain has been snapped back to life and I will lay there contemplating everything from what needs to be done tomorrow to….who knows what else. Then I wake up in the morning and I’m sluggish and unfocused. I have to fight my way through my devotions because my brain is not focused. Then the kids wake up and the demands of the day start.

By the time the kids go to bed at night I flop down in the chair with my laptop and I begin to write. And the cycle starts all over again.

But that me from yesterday had an aha! moment . She remembered the girl from 20 years ago. AND she was writing to another person online who was sharing how she handled her priorities and focused on each one. Her strategy struck a deep chord with me.

Overwhelmed and frustrated

I know as moms (and humans in general) we all tend to feel like this. We have so much to do and keep track of. We have so many priorities to focus on Our kids, our husband, our home, our physical health our friends, church, our relationship with Jesus, perhaps an outside job whether it be at home or out of the home…..and the list goes on and on. and we all feel the need to be balanced and yet we can’t stop the mad cycle.

So as I sent a few DM’s back and forth with Crystal Paine (The Money Saving Mom) about how she handles her priorities the thought of 21 year old me came flooding back as well. About how writing has always cleared my brain and helped me to focus and get stuff done. And then this question resonated deep in my heart WHAT IF I WROTE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING? HMMMM.

The Change

There are 3 things that are going to change over the rest of this week-

  1. Writing will happen first thing in the morning. This might change after the 100 Days of blogging project is over. It may look a little different just in it might not be blogging everyday, but there will be some form of “writing” being done.
  2. I am going to set up a habit tracker of the must do things that NEED to get done every single day. These will be based on my six priorities.
  3. Then each day I will pick out which two priorities I will focus on for that day. I need to learn exactly what “Time blocking” is -that will help the focused time for each day.

I love what Crystal said yesterday in her Instagram Stories. “I only have two hands, so I only pick two priorities to focus on everyday”. She says that when she does this it means that she will visit all of her priorities in focused time at least once a week (obviously it might be more). But then you don’t have to stress over neglecting something.

Wow what a relief from the pressure I have been putting on myself for a very long time.

I know this isn’t the typical weekly update but it is the major thing that has been a frustration for a while and now I have this overwhelming sense of Freedom.

Have you struggled with these thoughts and feelings before? It cycles through for me and I would love to hear your thoughts and strategies in the comments below!

Thanks for joining me for Day 37 of my Choosing Courage 100 day blogging project. If you are new here you can check out this blog post that explains it all.

And if you have fallen behind or missed some posts you can check it out here

Happy Homemaker Monday

Posted on by Mary
Monday

Happy Monday everyone. Mondays tend to be very low key around here but today was a little different both pups needed to go to the vert and then all the other scheduled stuff that needed to happen. So I got a Buch accomplished but it just didn’t feel like enough!

Breakfast time….what is on the plate this morning::::

Coffee.

  Looking around the house::::

I have lots of work to do….and I mean LOTS

On today’s to do list::::

  • Over the next few days I am revamping how I handle my priorities more on that TOMORROW

Currently reading::::

  • Hello Fears
  • Get Out of Your Head
  • My Bible
  • Corrie ten Boom(biography with the kids for morning basket)
  • S.H.A.P.E.
  • Practical Dreamer

On the TV this week::::

different Strokes and Promised Land

The weather outside is::::

It was GORGEOUS today but the rest of the week is Cooler (60’s) and wet

On the menu this week::::

Monday –  Beef Stew

Tuesday –   Scalloped Potatoes and Ham and salad

Wednesday –   Pulled Pork and French fries veggies

Thursday –   Leftovers and salad

Friday –  Chili and Biscuits

Saturday –  Pigs in a Blanket (Cabbage Rolls)

Sunday – Masjed Potato Sundaes

I never did get to make the cabbage rolls and the Mashed potato Sundaes last week. I will post a recipe or at lease instructions on how to make them.

If I have a few minutes to myself, I will::::

Clean my craft room

New recipe I tried, or want to try this week::::

None

One of my simple pleasures:::

Hubby and I working together at night time but separately. Me blogging / planning Him working on his upcoming Old Testament Survey class he is teaching. (Did I mention that hubby took on a part time Professor job). it’s not a typical Professor position but it is part of his passion! Teaching pastor’s!

Favorite photo from the camera::::

Monday

In case you are wondering they are watching for woodchucks!!! It’s Nuggets favorite thing to do.

Praying for::::

♥♥  Lots of friends and family who either have COVID or knows someone who does. One person in particular is not doing so well but is making strides in the right direction.
♥♥ Our Search Process ♥♥Friends and family who are struggling

Bible Verse, Devotional that is resonating with me at the moment:::: 

I had t chuckle when these verses were next in my reading of James this evening.

And for more Happy Homemaker Monday posts Check out Diary of a Stay at Home Mom

Thanks for joining me for My Choosing Courage 100 day writing project.. You can check out all the other posts by clicking here.