As we journey together “let us think of ways to motivate one another in acts of love and good works”(Hebrews 10:24 NLT)

Harshness- I think it’s safe to say we all have experienced it. It is demoralizing. It knocks us down. Many times it’s like a gut punch that totally knocks the wind right out of you, and you are left standing there gasping for life sustaining air.

Harshness has two definitions according to Oxford Languages online. It is defined as

1. the quality of being unpleasantly rough or jarring to the senses.
2. the quality of being cruel or severe.

This COMPLETELY dovetails with the trait of being rude. In my experience those who have been practicing or living out the negative influence trait f rude also struggle with harshness and the two of them together are a powerhouse of Negative Influence.

Definition #1

“Unpleasantly rough”. “”jarring to the senses”. Let’s take a trip to the grocery store. Now I have been one of those moms in the grocery store whose kid is wailing. Not because of anything in particular. See with his autism specifically when he was about 3 to about age 6 or 7 he was affected severely by Fluorescent lights. A kid with autism has so much more sensory stimulation than a non-autistic person.

So those florescent lights are VERY bright and they hum ( not to mention all the people, smells and colors). To you and I we can’t hear that lights hum. But to someone who has sensory processing issues it can drive them crazy. So if we were in the store for more than 10-20 minutes he would start to get agitated…and if we didn’t take that cue before too long we would have a screaming child seeking anyway to escape all that sensory input. (He has come a long ways since those days!)

What on earth does that have to do with Harshness?

Well as a parent I could have two responses. Either get him out of the store as fast as possible or I could be harsh and threaten him and yell and scream . (we’ve all seen that scenario right?). I could choose to understand what my child is going through OR I could grab a hold of his arm or body and be harsh. If I remember first and foremost that he is human- he’s not perfect, then remember that he cannot communicate his needs like most children his age and then remember that sensory overload is causing all of this I can choose to be calm and patient and just remove him from the situation.

I spent years sitting in the welcome area of our church because he couldn’t handle the music- not because the music was too loud but because he couldn’t handle the buzz from the old speakers (It took me YEARS to figure out that one- he leaned over one day and asked why does it make that AWFUL noise?” I was confused but then as hubby said something I heard an ever so slight crackle and I knew exactly what he was hearing all during the music)

There is a flip side to the grocery store scenario

It’s the people casting judgement on that mom with the screaming kid! We immediately pass judgement that she is a horrible parent and that her kid is a spoiled brat just screaming to get their way. They give condescending looks and evil glares and some people are even bold enough to let that mom have it with both barrels (as if she wasn’t struggling with the embarrassment already). But it doesn’t end there! Then they go home and make a public service announcement on facebook about how parents need to make their kids behave in grocery stores. Their harshness not only made the mom in the grocery store feel guilty, their harshness on social media just made every mom who has ever had THAT experience in the grocery store feel that much worse!

A Personal Story of Drastic Harshness

Back when hubby was going through the canidating process the first time (13 years ago) our oldest son was about 3 years old. Between canidating hubby would fill the pulpit- preaching for churches who didn’t have pastors. We were scheduled to speak at a church a few hours from home and it was winter. Well we were invited to stay with a family from the church overnight so Sunday wouldn’t be as stressful (HA).

So we set out. It was a long drive and it was taking even longer than expected because a snow storm had popped up (Common for lake effect snow here in New York). And They lived in the middle of NOWHERE. We had been in the car for hours and hours and the stress level of driving through the woods hoping and praying you were still on the road you can no longer see was terrible and we had three kids three and under in the back of the car.

We arrived at the home and was immediately expected to sit down to dinner. The couple was older- never having children of their own and from a different culture (There were from Sweden).

A Not so Great Start

Well despite the fact they knew the reasons why we were late they let us know just how inconvenient it was for them. So sitting down to dinner things were feeling tense already. Anybody guess what Happened next? Our three year old son was NOT ready to sit. He had just been sitting in the car for 3 or 4 hours, most of which in the dark because the lights go out here in NY at 4 pm in the winter). He was hungry, but the energy bursting throughout his little body needed to escape He had a SERIOUS case of the wiggles

And it get’s worse

And before Hubby and I knew what was happening this giant of a man stood up leaned across the table red-faced in anger (spit flying) began screaming at our son. He began to wail in fear. I pulled him in close and the man than proceeded to chide me about coddling him and that he needed to learn proper behavior. I was so livid But I held my tongue. I listened as he proudly went on to tell us that he did this to children in the grocery store as well and that is was this great help to the parents (it was his perceived help- I can assure you it didn’t help)

At that very moment hubby and I knew we would NEVER come back to that church again. He was a leader within the church and we couldn’t imagine what his harshness and temper looked like within the church but we knew it wasn’t good. (we weren’t wrong).

A hypocritical Insight

Later that evening after getting the kids settled in bed I rejoined the husband and wife downstairs along with hubby. They had a lovely dog who was very sweet and very well mannered. I didn’t feel much like talking but I commented on how calm the lab was. The man without missing a beat shared with me that he learned that you should NEVER break a dog’s spirit by being too harsh with it (REALLY??? DID HE REALLY JUST SAY THAT? So it’s ok to break the spirit of children…children you have never met before or any child for that matter?)

I was dumbfounded.

Years later that man is long gone I only veer met him once- but his negative influence of harshness is still impacting me All from one 30 second tirade on my 3 year old son.

Definition #2

“The quality of being cruel or sever”

The man above was definitely cruel and severe. He was an extreme. But there are lots of extremes we tend to struggle with. Harshness is abusive. Severe, cruel words= verbal abuse. Cruel and severe actions =physical abuse. And I could go on Sexual abuse, emotional abuse and spiritual abuse are all rooted in harshness.

The opposite of Harshness if you remember is Gentleness. It’s simple to see how abuse would be a negative influence on people’s lives and yet we still choose our own rights over other people’s well beings.

Remeberber way back to Kindness and I shared the song I learned as a kid from Ephesians 4:32? Well did you know that just prior to that well loved verse Paul gives its a command about how to be kind?

Ephesians 4:30-31 NLT

³⁰ And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own,^[e] guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.

³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.

Did you catch that? “Get rid of ALL”. Not just some….not just certain parts ALL..every last piece. and if we don’t we will bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit. YIKES.

Being Kind starts with getting rid of all that is unkind.

So to the man from back at the beginning of this series who thought it was his job to tell people how stupid they are/were. NO it is not your job as a believer to do that! We HAVE to stop holding onto our “RIGHTS”. the Bible Never says you have the right to be bitter and angry, too have rage or to have harsh words for other people and to slander people. It tells us just the oppose cast them off get rid of them….don’t hold onto those things because first of all it grieves God and secondly it hurts people.

1 Corinthians says LOVE people and tells you how.

Galatians tells us the fruit of the spirit in a believers life (Hint NONE of them are harsh words- bitterness- anger- and the like).

In the Heat of the Moment

As I began to study out this passage a verse immediately came to mind. And it’s true. When we do get into situations (and we will) it’s easy to let harsh words fly back and forth. But we need to remember that harsh words aren’t our right instead remember the wisdom of Proverbs 15:1 NLT

A gentle answer deflects anger, but a harsh word makes tempers flare.

This isn’t a promise- this is just wisdom. Sometimes we will say a gentle word and the anger will still flare because the other person has just chosen to be angry.

But I can honestly tell you that if the man had chosen a gentle word for our 3 year old son my temper would have never flared. And I would have never had to really work at controlling that temper like I did in that moment.

Now it’s Your turn

Do you live life being harsh to others? Have you experienced harshness and in turn been harsh to other people? Ask God to show you the harshness you have dished out and ask God to reveal to you any harsh treatment that you have experienced that you are harboring in your heart that is turning you into a bitter person? And then we need to do the hard heart work to repent and turn away from that. We need to let God transform that harshness into gentleness so we can impact this world for his glory. We VANNOT do this in our own power.

Thank you for doing me today and I pray you have a great rest of it!

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Good morning friends! Today’s Negative Influence Trait is Unfaithful. I know as soon as I hear that word an idea jumps into my mind almost immediately and that is infidelity. The act of being unfaithful to our spouse. And trust me that is part of it but the concept of unfaithfulness is far bigger than that. This is an all encompassing unfaithfulness

And just like yesterday that being unfaithful is 2 fold.

This is talking about being unfaithful to God and to people.

But what does that mean exactly?

Looking at the definition of unfaithful online, we can see that there is that immediate first description of unfaithfulness as being a person who cheats on their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend. (We already discussed this above.)

The second definition gets to the heart of why the first definition happened.

Unfaithful is defined as disloyal, treacherous, or insincere.

Disloyal is defined as failing to be loyal to a person, country, or body to which one has obligations.

Treacherous is defined as guilty of or involving betrayal or deception.

Insincere is defined as not expressing genuine feelings.

I have so many thoughts running through my head at this point but I want to remind myself of what the the opposite means. When we look at both sides of the coin it gives us a better understanding of what is important.

According to Oxford Languages online the word faithful is defined as remaining loyal and steadfast.

Loyal means giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.

Steadfast is defined as resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering.

In light of these definitions…

We need to talk about disloyalty…

which means that we aren’t giving or showing CONSTANT support or allegiance to a person or institution. I think I could write a book on the one topic alone.

When we take the name of Christ (Christian) we are taking on ALL of the ways the Bible teaches us to live like him. We are claiming we are little Jesus’ We are saying we choose to live our lives like him. BUT too many times I hear Christians claiming to be something they really aren’t. They say I love Jesus and then their lives are full of reasons why they don’t live like him.

They choose unloving words and , they seek their own ways over his ways (if Jesus did that he would have never died on the cross for our sins! -Remember he prayed to his Father at the Garden of Gethsemane “Not my will but yours and let this cup pass from me ). And yet he made that VERY hard choice and set his human will aside and choose to do the hardest thing- Lay down his life for us. In light of that I think we are completely capable of choosing kindness. ) They choose negativity over joy, and anxious heart over peace. They choose rudeness over kindness and evil over goodness. Choices are made to be unfaithful , harshness, impatience and undisciplined behavior.

Treacherous???

And then there’s the act of being treacherous- not When I went into this I didn’t really have a good understanding of what this word meant but as I researched it . My eyes were opened to a new level of unfaithfulness.

“Guilty of or involving betrayal or deception.” AKA backstabbing and misleading or lying……to anyone. Do I really need to say anymore? That’s the epitome of unfaithfulness. And yet we do it to God (or at least we think we are ) and to each other. This is the backbone of disunity. It’s where it starts and it is where it carries it out. Just a quick note “being an ear to everyone” or “being Switzerland” is being deceptive. It is letting all the sides believe you are supporting them. If you don’t take a stand for what is right specifically if what is going on is following these paths and leading to disunity you are just as guilty as the ones leading the charge.

Insincere

Then we have insincere- which is not expressing genuine feelings. Now you might choose to gossip about your genuine feelings….but when a person hides their cares and concerns and hurts from God or those who we are close to than we are being insincere. If you are angry at God tell him- he already knows. But when we harbor that bitterness and anger in our hearts we are choosing to drive a wedge between God and ourselves….and our friends and family as well.

Being unfaithful destroys our walk with God, destroys our relationships with other people AND it destroys our positive Influence

Biblical examples of unfaithfulness

Saul

1 Chronicles 10:13 NLT

¹³ So Saul died because he was unfaithful to the Lord. He failed to obey the Lord’s command, and he even consulted a medium

First up we have good old Saul! We saw at the beginning of our list of Negative Influence Traits that this man was choosing his own path rather than trusting God. He was choosing fear of Goliath over having faith in the God of Israel. Well this attitude keeps brewing in his heart….he chooses hatred for David after David is anointed future king of Isreal. He chooses to have a negative attitude and an anxious heart, fretting over David hunting him down and attempting to kill him. He grows impatient and rude to David throwing things at him while he plays his harp for him.Then Saul seeks out evil over good in many areas, choosing harshness and a lack of discipline.

In the end, in an act of unfaithfulness to God, he seeks out a medium or fortune-teller to tell him what is going to happen. He could have asked a prophet but Saul knew what the prophets would say, because they had been saying it all along and he did NOT like what they were telling him so he chose another way…..and that led to his death! At any point he could have made different life choices, but in the end she chose the path of destruction….Our Continued unfaithfulness will lead to our demise.

Then we have Isreal on a whole

Here is just one verse out of many that I looked at

But you have been unfaithful to me, you people of Israel!
    You have been like a faithless wife who leaves her husband.
    I, the Lord, have spoken.” Jeremiah 3:20 NLT

As I studied out the word unfaithful the Old Testament is chock full of verses that talk about how Isreal chose their own ways- did what was right in their own eyes (the WHOLE book of Judges)- how they chose to not just worship the God of Isreal but also the gods of the nations around them. They mixed religions and that was against everything God had taught them.

A New Testament Example

We have the lesson of Ananias and Sapphire in the New Testament who chose treachery seeking to deceive God (and the disciples) by saying “here’s all the money” when they secretly kept back a portion for themselves. They lied to God and God’s servants. That’s a big no no. And yet we look at all these things and we say to ourselves “well I am not that bad. es I may tell a white lie now and then but …… ” and let the excuses begin of why we sin. Yep that’s what we do- we make excuses for why it is ok for us to be unfaithful to God and to the people we are called to be unified too.

So where do we go for a perfect example of faithfulness?

I know that was a pretty big set up! Sorry. God and Jesus.

We are told in the Bible That “God will Never leave us or forsake us! ” There have been some moments in my life that I have struggled deeply with the “why” when some absolutely horrible stuff has happened and there are times where it has felt like God just turned his back and walked away. Jesus felt like that too But his was more than a feeling God did turn his back on Jesus because despite his sinlessness on this earth he took on ALL of the worlds sin while on the cross…..Thankfully it didn’t end there- All I have to say is SUNDAY MORNING. Jesus didn’t stay dead.

But just in case the biggest example of never leaving us or forsaking us wasn’t enough

If we are unfaithful,
    he remains faithful,
    for he cannot deny who he is. 2 Timothy 2:13 NLT

Even when we are unfaithful God remains faithful – He CAN’T NOT be faithful!. (This doesn’t mean that we won’t have consequences because of our unfaithfulness- this means that we have a loving father who will discipline us and that we should repent our unfaithfulness)

So how do we move forward from here?

So instead of the “Now it’s your turn” section I post everyday on these posts we are going to change things up a bit. Because let’s be honest, we all fall short and we all make mistakes and we all choose to be unfaithful at times.

We NEED to choose unwavering loyalty to God and his word. What does that look like?

Love God with all Your

• heart
• soul
• mind
• strength

In the Month of November we will be delving into a mini series called Unfivided that will show what it looks like to live this out

And then there People. But when we choose to be faithful to God and ALL of his word then we are also choosing to love others like we love ourselves.

When we choose to follow God’s blueprint for Godly love (I corinthians 13) that we will be faithful to other people the way he wants us to be- not what is easier and most convenient for ourselves

Thank you for joining me in todays look at unfaithfulness. I know I didn’t really delve into exactly how it’s a negative influence but that will be addressed in tomorrow’s post entitled “Empty Amens”. We will pause the negative traits briefly as we delve deeper into insincerity, disloyalty, and deceptiveness.

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Rudeness- It’s a plague to us as humans and even more within the church. And it boils right down to a cycle and it starts with yesterday’s Negative Influence, Impatience, and in the end it is all a result of an unloving spirit.

Rudeness is defined as being offensively impolite, or ill-mannered and as having a startling abruptness.

Have you ever met anyone who fits this definition.? I have and it can be downright embarrassing. I have watched people be harmed and I have been harmed by rude people.

1 Corinthians 133 says

(Love)…is not rude, it does not insist on it’s own way…..

In every occurrence that I have witnessed someone being rude it has been because “their way” has been inconvenienced or negatively impacted. It starts with their impatience with someone who is creating an inconvenience of some sort…..and from there skip ahead a few traits and we land at harshness.

Now as a parent I know that I can fall into the trap of impatience and if I don’t weed that out quickly I can become rude and harsh. AND as a parent I can confirm that THIS is a huge problem amongst siblings.

It is something as parents we have to teach and train our children to be – to become patient with each other and to look out for each other’s interests. You know what, I am almost certain that most Christians would tell you that they had someone in their lives as young children who taught them to be kind. I know that these people can quote all the verses in the Bible about how you should love others and how you should treat other people.

But there is a disconnect-

That disconnect is that they are embracing what the world keeps telling us. To watch out for numero uno. We are told all the time- that we need to protect our time, our energy and our money….and on and on and on, all while we quote bible passages that state the exact opposite.

So where is the disconnect? The disconnect is that we have taken the worlds advice to heart because it’s easier, It’s easy to protect ourselves. It’s hard to be self -sacrificing l, love- centered person. We “know” what is right to say in church and in our “Christian ” circles but when the rubber meets the road what is hidden in our hearts will come bubbling out.

Sadly I have seen the true hearts come bubbling out onto some poor unsuspecting soul. NowI know that a bad day and stress can have a negative influence on a moment. However, when the same person/people hurt others repeatedly it becomes glaringly obvious that there is a heart issue.

The Problem is….

When we embrace the way the world tells us how to live and how to protect ourselves and we ignore what we know to be true- how God instructs us to love and care for others, we have committed sin. We can see this in James 4:17 NLT

¹⁷ Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.

Nad despite all of this we have hurt people. and 9 times out of 10 either we don’t realize it or we just plain don’t care!

Rudeness is a negative influence in multiple ways.

• It hurts( usually) a completely innocent person who is blindsided by the rudeness
• Usually a person who is rude chooses to be rude in front of a group of people. So not only is the person being hurt, but the group witnessing the rude behavior is being impacted. Some are stunned and saddened by the poor behavior and others are finding it funny. Either way the person being rude s having a negative influence and is being a horrible example.
• The person being rude is ruining any testimony they might have with people who are witnessing the poor behavior. It’s very hard to take someone seriously who says to little kids “be kind” and then watch that person be rude to their mother or father. Their credibility is lost and they become known as a hypocrite.
• The aren’t being a Christ emulator. Jesus was never rude and never sought his own way. Instead he was insanely patient.
• They are defaming Jesus.

A persoanl experience and a lasting impression

One day I stood with a group of woman chatting about something. (Don’t really remember what). All of a sudden another woman rudely butted into the conversation and asked me if I wanted something. I politely replied “no thank you I just downsized my own” to which she rudely snapped back “I didn’t want story time I just wanted a yes or no”. I was stunned ,embarrassed, hurt, and heartbroken. This woman was in leadership, she knew better than to treat anyone like that. I wish I could say it was an anomaly however this woman had treated me and others this way more times that I could count. It was heart breaking because yes it hurt but I saw the disgusted look on the other women faces and I knew that her testimony and credibility was severely damaged.

What does God think?

The world tells us not to care what others think. But what about God? What did God think about her behavior? Did others see Jesus’ gracious and loving-kindness through her ? Sadly no.

Sadly she just laughed that stuff off and really has no concept of what her rudeness has done . She has no idea just how damaging her negative influence has been And perhaps that is the most heartbreaking of all. I know she could have had an incredible impact based on her life experiences.

And yet she chose to seek her own way over patience and kindness that God commands of us.

Now it’s your turn

Have you ever been told that you are rude? Do you make snide comments and treat people poorly? Especially when it is an inconvenience for you? Are you impatient and unkind? Do you have thoughts and feelings of such? Ask God to reveal to you the condition of your heart. Ask Him to make you aware of what needs to change and ask him to show you who you have hurt

AND THEN (here’s the hard part)

APOLOGIZE.. But don’t just say empty words work through those thoughts and emotions with God and ask him to change them and then you need to make the hard choice to set our “rights” aside and put others first. Yes that is counter cultural but it is biblical.

Thank You so much for joining me on this journey! I pray that you have found growth and encouragement along the way.

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