Good evening sweet friends! Welcome to Day 10 of my Choosing Courage Project. Today we are going to talk about “What I know”. the great thing is what I know is what you can know too.
But First the back story
I know I have shared what my December looked like but what I haven’t shared was how much of a mental struggle it was.
As a family we grew leaps and bounds throughout the whole season of lockdown.. We made it as much fun as we possibly could and did a lot of really awesome stuff together. We did long distance daily lego challenges with an uncle and a cousin. During the summer we had friends over to play on our slip n slide. and Christmas was shaping up to be a fun one too. I had made a fun advent calendar. Each day held a fun family activity and a reverse advent calendar where we put an item of food in a box and then donated it to a family.
Everything was going great until December 8th. That was the first of three trips to the ER and for the next three days we lived in complete uncertainty as to why my body had quit doing a very simple task that we all do every single day (sorry for now that’s all the details you get). The did a quick fix and sent me home. 2 days later I found myself right back there and this time I got some answers…and I knew what it meant…or at least I thought I did. I can’t tell you how many times I heard the phrase “you are a very special case”. and I would continue to prove them right all through the month of December.
A week later I had a special procedure and I was told that I would be in the worst pain I have ever experienced and they weren’t wrong. I made it through Christmas and the pain was finally subsiding. I knew surgery was coming and then the pain started- different pain on the 27th.
Back to the ER on the 28th
Up until this point I was exhausted and in pain but my focus had been where it should be on Jesus. But when I found myself in what felt like labor. I can’t tell you how many times that day that I was a very special case and hat “we have never seen anything quite like this” and off to the ER I went again.
And at this point I was at my breaking point. I felt like I was losing my mind. Have you ever been in such excruciating pain that wouldn’t stop. You seriously feel like you are going crazy….or at least I did. and then I reached out to my friends in tears I wrote “I feel like I am making life difficult for everyone right now I’m struggling to see the purpose in this for sure.” I was laying a lone In the ER for the third time, I was mentally, physically and emotionally spent. I felt like I had completely ruined Christmas for everyone. I had spent weeks a lone on the apartment. We had a kid in quarantine and hubby was trying to keep me healthy because we knew I had to have surgery but not sure when. On December 28th God took surgery off the table.
After that post one of my friends sent me a devotional she had read the same morning. Are you ready for the title?
When you Don’t Understand God’s Timing ……REALLY?? I can’t make this stuff up! The author, Alicia Bruxvoort.
Here’s the excerpt of that devotional.
But I’m learning that when God’s timing doesn’t match my pining, I need to focus on what I know rather than what I feel. So, I turn to Ecclesiastes 3:11 and read the words of King Solomon:
“God has given [us] a desire to know the future. He does everything just right and on time, but people can never completely understand what he is doing.”
This verse helps me filter my frustration through God’s unchanging truth. It reminds me that my delays aren’t a sign of God’s indifference, but an expression of His wisdom.
I’ll never fully understand the complexities of God’s eternal plan while I’m bound to the dust of earth. But I can place my hope in God’s integrity even when I can’t comprehend His itinerary.
When my hope is tied to God’s trustworthiness instead of His timing, it changes my attitude in the waiting.
I am prone to recall His faithfulness instead of questioning His fairness. (Psalm 77:11)
I am able to respect His wisdom instead of disputing His ways.
I am inclined to celebrate His majesty instead of second-guessing His motives.
But, best of all, when I place the crux of my faith on the trustworthiness of God’s character, I discover an unexpected gift in the grit of delay.
It’s that first line that really hit me….”ut I’m learning that when God’s timing doesn’t match my pining, I need to focus on what I know rather than what I feel.”
I was having a whole lot of really raw and scary feelings (The was compounded by some anxiety induced by low iron levels that couldn’t even be registered in my blood work.
Where “What I know ” was born.
That sentence changed everything and gave bye a change of perspective. Right then and there I started going over and over in my head all the truth I knew about God and you know what I learned? When you are in intense pain AND have morphine coursing through your system your memory is NOT GOOD AT ALL! and so I purposed in my heart togo on a learning adventure when I got home. I would write down all of my “learning is a set of spiral bound set of index cards.
I wrote these items don- all scripture based and when I have struggled I turn to that little tool . It is amazing just how many promises and characteristics of God cam during that time. They were everywhere (They still are).
I think so often that we are going through something we look for a quick fix. I could have jumped to a tool that had all of these things already done fore me but for this time and circumstance, I needed to go on this journey by myself. Reading and searching God’s word for these gems.
So What Now?
I’m still adding to this notebook. These note cards have helped many a night when the anxiety sky- rockets as my iron level dropped. It slipped easily into my purse when going to a doctor’s appointment that triggered fear and anxiety.
I continue this journey with what I know because feelings are deceitful and can mislead us.
How about you? Do you have a plan in place for when you are facing fear and anxiety? How do you keep your mind focused on what you know rather than our misleading feelings? Let me know in the comments below !
For more of the Choosing Courage posts click here.
