Brokenness comes in all shapes and sizes.
Sometimes it comes in the form of a diagnosis that we believe ends in no good for our future. I received such a diagnosis at ripe old age of 16. I had been diagnosed since the age of 13 with age-related Macular Degeneration. You may ask how on earth could you be 13 and have anything age-related? But the dilemma came with the type of Macular Degeneration I have. There are two forms, Wet and Dry. Juvenile on-set is Dry. however Age- related is either Dry or Wet, Well I have wet, and since the age of 13 I have had the eyes of a 65 year old. Minus a year and a half after I had surgery but I still had a shadow. An ever constant reminder that something could and did show back up again. At 16, or the month before I turned 16. All I could think about was the freedom that came with a car. Then I got scared. My freedom stripped away. Who wanted a damaged girl.? (My husband of now 13 years did that’s who.) What had gone wrong to make God mad at me? I heard nothing about grace in the church I grew up in. All that echoed through my head was countless Sunday school stories that said if you sin, bad things happen. And bad things happen, when you sin. I thought my life was over. And in all honesty there were days I thought about ending it all. I would be forever legally blind.
Then there are the phone calls people dread….all people. You know the ones, I’m sorry honey but Gram passed away. Did I mention that it was phone call #11….in a year!
And then there is the moment you hear the service coordinator (you have already worked with the previous two years) as you explain what’s going on (what you already know in your soul) as she says, oh Mary I am so sorry I think we missed it. I am pretty sure he has AUTISM.
Or two years later when you are standing in your church and your little boy runs out of a classroom yelling the most awful thing you could ever imagine……your head swims. You grab him by the hand and at the end of the hall another son is yelling “he did that to me to and so and so did it”. I’m talking about sexual abuse of two pastors kids in a church , by a deacon. And in that moment I just wrote, I am rushed back to a place and time I would wish on no one …..EVER. I have mentioned a bunch of times over the last year and a half that something horrible happened to our family, I knew I had to write about it but like Jacob I was in a full on wrestling match with God. I knew God was calling me to write, to share my story. But I must confess I have been afraid, very afraid. Because that IS WHAT ABUSE does to you. It makes you fear. And with the abuse and threats that followed I was battered and worn, beyond recognition. I was at an all new level of brokenness. We reported the incident to the police and as we were were informed by someone who knew what they were talking about we had to, because if we didn’t we could lose our kids to the system for failure to protect. It happens Every. Single. Day. The threats of being sued came as we dealt with this crime. He admitted to it amongst other horrendous things. We remained silent. We didn’t defend ourselves. Hubby and I didn’t eat for nearly a month. We were numb for about 8 months. We sat through District Attorney meetings and police interviews. And sadly those two people are the two who called us most often (along with a local Pastor friend). I had been attacked about a Psalm I had shared on my blog that was spoken about at a Ladies conference I had attended just the week after everything happened. That person who wasn’t involved had no idea they were being used by Satan to attack a person already under fire because they thought they knew the intents of a heart shattered. Everyone expected a smile on my face and act as though nothing was wrong. I was cornered my first Sunday back to church as my husband stood on the platform and choked back tears as he led Worship and sang “Bless the Lord oh my soul, worship his holy name….10,000 reasons for my heart to sing …..And on that day when My strength is fading ….10,000 years and then forever more”. I couldn’t make eye contact, I was about to lose it. I couldn’t lose it. The case depended on it, my husbands job depended on it. I had hit ultimate brokenness. I vowed this would never happen to my child. Not like it happened to me. There I said it after 36 years of silence. I had failed my children in the biggest way.
What came next was a battery of emails, both to us and to those within our church, more abuse, though this time of the verbal sort. And yet we kept silent. We didn’t retaliate or talk or defend ourselves. We had friends tell us, you won’t be there another 6 months. We too gave it 6 months after we told our church. We needed to see how they treated our children. We had people tell us “oh they are young they won’t remember.” We still have a child afraid of people “helping” him. and the other told us his job was to keep other church kids from going into that room. Yeah they remember. Kids remember scary things a whole lot longer than you or I ever realize. We still deal with the repercussions. People don’t realize how much. Here’s the thing, if we let Him, God can heal all those hurts and pain and sufferings. Did you see my list? God has changed me alone in some radical ways. Did all those things hurt? Absolutely, I’d be inhuman if they didn’t. And yes it took me almost two years to come to this place of being able to share our story…….Abuse and the fear it puts into you is a hard thing to overcome. THAT IS WHY IT IS ABUSE. So as I have written this week and read this week, God has worked in my life. I read the chapter in Fervent last night that was the prayer strategy on Your Fear and you can bet there was heart work going on, because you can bet this blog post has been on my mind for over a year.
I must confess that having a law suit against us, or the church’s name in the paper for this sort of thing is NOT something to look forward to but I realize that if I don’t break the silence and share this brokenness that comes from it that Satan will ALWAYS have that stronghold on me. This is a very important part of my healing. I have found my voice. There is freedom and hope after abuse. Go to God, and get good solid Christian counseling. I don’t however want to paint a picture that these two things fix everything. This is a process, there are days we still cry, days we get angry, days we have long talks with God about what if……Hindsight is 20/20 and the honest truth is we suffered from Depression, we couldn’t muster the strength to keep going. That school year was an utter disaster. Missed all sorts of craziness. Laundry….OH THE LAUNDRY WE HAD TO DIG OUT OF. It hurt to breathe. Taking the next breath was a chore. Making food was a painful process.. We couldn’t talk about it, our hearts just ached in unison. Self doubt, fear of the next email alert, and a hurt in my stomach that made me understand like never before how someone is driven to drink to ease the pain of all that is tormenting them. Nightmares, sleep deprivation. a longing for God to show up like no other And this crazy desire to want to just disappear never to return.
But what man meant for evil God intended for good. God blesses those who worship him in the storm. And you can……it’s not easy it comes down to a choice. I won’t ever forget the first night I turned on Pandora after this nightmare happened…..the playlist one right after the other.
- I’m Letting Go by Francesca Battistelli
- Dessert Song by Hillsong
- Words by Hawk Nelson
- Already There by Casting Crowns
- He knows my Name by Francesca Battistelli
- You Can Have Me by Sidewalk Prophets
- Me Without You by TobyMac
- Where I Belong by Building 429
- The Hurt and the Healer by MercyMe
- Everything Falls by Fee
- I Can Just Be by Laura Story
- Enough by Chris Tomlin
These songs played together was no happenstance, it was orchestrated By God to speak truth into my hurting soul, and in these moments I began to heal….Heal deeper than I ever though Possible.
Over the months after that and even into the years now there have been other songs that impacted us to the core and spoke truth into our lives….
- Slow Fade by Casting Crowns
- Speak Life by TobyMac
- Overcomer by Mandissa
- 10,000 reasons by Matt Redman
- Held By Casting Crowns.
It’s amazing that nearly two years later these songs bring great peace and truth into our lives…and our kids know it too…because the radio gets turned up a little louder (ok a lot louder), and there is this family in the midst of dark times singing to the tops of their lungs praises to the God who rescues and restores, right down to the littlest!!!
By the way, the rest of the story hasn’t been written yet. We are still at our church, our kids are loved and cared for. We are closer as a family as our eyes were opened to a whole new world of understanding. Our boys completed 8 months of counseling and were released with instructions to call anytime the need arises. And our marriage has been the strongest it has ever been. The guy still walks free. There’s a lot that goes into that BUT our case is still open. And if you just so happen to believe this shouldn’t be written about, or shared, this is a lie of the enemy. the only way to deal with an issue is to bring it out into the light for only sinners love the darkness and try to hide sin in the dark.
Blessings, Mary
