That is what I did today….i got Ugly! What does that mean? Well getting ugly is that all out crying moment when you can’t control tears, sobs…..anything. It’s that moment you fall to your knees and cry out to Jesus for your sanity’s sake. It’s that moment you have nothing left to give this world, and you need strength, mercy and grace lest you end up on the 5 o’clock news! (You hopefully understand that I said that to make a point!) It’s the breaking point where you have no where else to turn.
I have been catching up all week on a Bible Study God laid on my heart to join….4 weeks late! AMAZING thing is, i have almost accomplished that goal! So why all the ugly? Why today? Why now?
Well it has been mounting for years. And God has been pouring truth into my life all week! It’s been amazing and yet so challenging at the same time!
Week 1 talked about God meeting us in our mess. Basically being honest with ourselves and God about where we are at! Week 2 was all about our weaknesses and us not hiding them (more on that in just a sec) and week 3 was about not measuring up, whether in our own ideals, others ideals, or comparing ourselves to others around us!
Now i will tell you up front everything in the first three chapters of this book fit me to the T. Well except for the part where God brought me to the very bottom….and that my friends happened today!
In all of this the biggest thing God has impressed me with cam from week 2
Here’s what the Bible has to say….
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
The underlined portion strikes a nerve. If Paul, the picture of spirituality, is boasting of his weakness, why then as a pastor’s wife am I expected to not have ANY weaknesses. As I stated in my week 2 post:
So what is the lesson…..WEAKNESS. As a pastor’s wife I am not “allowed” tto have any. I am to be solid as a rock. Children are to be angelic. Home, immaculate
.
Now has anyone come out and told me that….some yes, others make cutting little remarks, usually those who should be the most understanding! I have been schooled even in how a pastor’s wife should dress . (to which I would love to hand those people a Bible and say one word….WHERE?) We live in a fishbowl with lots of people critiquing every move and motive. That’s an insane amount of pressure for normal people. That’s what we are. JESUS IS PERFECT..not me. I need him just the same as everyone else.
I am not angry or bitter. I absolutely adore my calling and our congregation. I have just realized through this study that I too have bought into these ideals of others. The ideals of me not appearing weak, or my kids having weaknesses. There is NOTHING that brings this issue closer to reality than facing the fact that you have a child who relates to the world far differently than anything you have ever seen before.
No one really has an idea what on earth your dealing with BUT everyone and their brother has advice on how to handle it. I have a handful of people who are walking this journey with their own kids and one amazing woman who works with kids like my 5 year old son. I get a lot of “he just needs to be disciplined a certain way”…..or they just yell at the poor kid (someone did this to him, they managed to get him to eat his dinner but what they didn’t see and hear was days of meltdowns and wondering why so and so didn’t like him). I have felt it so often as people insist that Aspergers is the new ADHD and that it is heavily misdiagnosed.
Let me be very clear…..when your child can’t control himself, beats his head on whatever is closest to him at the time, smears poop on the walls because he is deathly afraid of being wiped because of having a bout of constipation 4 months prior, that depending on his anxiety level can be in the bathroom 20 to 30 times in a 6 hour time frame. Screams for no reason. Clucks like a chicken in large groups. You become very aware that Aspergers is real. AND hard. Watching you child snap for no reason at all, hitting, kicking and head-butting you, calling you stupid, telling you you’re a bad mommy. Having to hold your child in a basket hold so he doesn’t hurt himself or others you start to convince yourself that if anyone knew about these things they would surely kick us out of ministry. No one can ever know this…… To hear your saved child say” I don’t love God, He’s just a made up story, i want to go away, I want to live with Satan”. It breaks your heart….what do you do?
How do you react?
I pick him up and bring him to the couch, i struggle to get him into the basket hold and I sing! I sing Amazing Grace, Jesus loves me, and other worship songs. I assure him that no matter what he says or does mommy and daddy will always love him. that he can’t say or do anything to make Jesus not love him. I pray out loud for him, and during this time his body relaxes and his screams melt into uncontrollable sobs. At the end of this sometimes all too frequent scene he wraps his arms around my neck and sobs his apology, both to me and to God. You will never hear a more heartfelt prayer from a five year old boy! He knows what he has said is wrong!
Does this scene strike something in you to think that i’ve failed? Yes? Well don’t worry I have myself convinced of the same thing. I know you’re thinking it….i can tell. I beat myself up telling myself i’m not good enough. Do I want your pity NOT A CHANCE. I want to be real. I am not enough…but Christ is and by me realizing this, I become stronger!
And so yes by the end of somedays there is a Mount Rushmore sized pile of laundry (we are after all a family of six with a potty-training 2 1/2 year old). Dishes flooding the sink, stuff on the floors, messy bedrooms, lost paperwork. Squabbling children, missed phone messages, missed oppertunities, i can beat myself up and say, well i failed again today…i didn’t measure up to so and so’s standards. I failed at having a clean house, or i can be honest and open with my mess, my weaknesses, my all too tall measuring stick and say to myself just as I do to my son in the midst of his struggle” there isn’t anything I can say or do to make God not love me!” I am enough and I need to rely on him for everything.
I am a pastor’s wife, most days I have a messy home, i have weaknesses and we have struggles but in the end if i don’t “boast” about them, admitting I struggle then Satan has won and I will implode.
As one of the writers says “If you are not honest about your weaknesses than you open a door for the enemy to wreak havoc in your life”.
So expect to see more posts about REAL struggles. This walk. Is difficult enough without feeling as though I am the only one struggling. Forming a strong group is what needs to happen.
As i close let me share the quote from the book that inspired this post…..yo put it all out there:
“
It’s OK to be weak. It’s OK to not know what to do or how to do it. It’s OK that you don’t have the answers, I do.” The voice gets a little louder now as you start to tune in your heart . . . “It’s OK to feel lost. It’s OK to need help. It’s OK you’re not perfect, I was!” It’s shouting at you now, mama! “It’s OK to fail! It’s OK to get things wrong! IT’S OK TO BE WEAK, because in your weakness I AM strong.“ “It’s OK to be weak, because in your weakness I AM strong.”
( hope for the weary mom chap 2)
And it goes on to say
So boast, mom. Boast in the fact that you’re not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, NOT ENOUGH to be a good mom. And watch what God does. Boast. Be honest about So boast, mom. Boast in the fact that you’re not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, NOT ENOUGH to be a good mom. And watch what God does. Boast. Be honest about where you are, who you are, and who you’re not. Wiggle out of that straight jacket as Jesus turns the key with HIS mighty right hand and let Him be strong for you
.(hope for the weary mom chap 2)
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