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When I was a freshman in college I attended one of the larger churches in our area. I was super excited about being a part of this church’s drama team. For weeks every Wednesday night I sat in their auditorium watching the drama team practice various sketches. I never got to be a part of the drama team because I wasn’t a church member but those weeks weren’t wasted. I sat and learned and soaked in all the drama-y things I could. However, one night the sketch hit hard. It was of a person lugging around all this very heavy baggage. Stuff they were never meant to carry. Suffering, pain, loss. You get the idea. It struck a cord. I was carrying around a bunch of stuff. But I wasn’t about to give it up. Not yet anyway.

I haven’t thought about that sketch in YEARS. I have handed over all the baggage I was hauling around at 19. Every once in a while I will pick up a bag and sling it on my back and God as always gently takes it from me and I keep following him.

This last week however I haven’t been able to get this sketch off my mind. And it’s not because I heaved a bunch of baggage up from the past and claimed it as my own again. Nope. Instead I had this eye opening experience.

Two weeks ago I had surgery to remove a massive tumor from my stomach. Praise the Lotd it wasn’t cancer. BUT that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t something dangerous. I was carrying around a tumor that as I put in my last blog post was literally remodeling my insides. It was damaging me from the inside and it was making me sick. It affected my bladder, both intestines and bowel amongst other things. It required removal of nonessential organs and when I had a follow up appointment this week the doctor told me the size. It weighed 8 times its normal weight. EIGHT TIMES. (That’s including the tumor). I did some quick calculator math. It turns out that’s only 1.2 ish pounds. And my immediate thought was, “oh that’s not too bad at all.” And in the recess of my mind God whispered, it is if it’s not supposed to be there. So back to my calculator I went. .16 pounds is how much that organ is supposed to weigh.

It’s no wonder that grapefruit sized tumor was wreaking havoc on my system. My body was NEVER meant to carry around that.

Just like we were never meant to carry around the hurt, pain, resentment, stress and abuse of a lifetime. And yet we do. We shove it in the proverbial backpack of life and lug it around with us everywhere we go. We become a pack mule carrying all the crud we’ve decided we can’t live without.

The problem is we cannot carry all that around with us because if we do it’s robs us of our Joy peace and love. It will either keep us from having relationships with those around us OR it will destroy the relationships we already have. So what are we to do? Let Jesus do surgery. It’s not easy or pleasant. And we will come out with some scars. I would have had serious medical issues if I would have fought the Doctor and said no this is my tumor. I must carry my tumor. It’s my responsibility. That’s just silly.

That tumor would have caused kidney failure or disease or any other number of issues. This is my second time with this type of tumor and the last time it depleted my iron levels in my blood to “undetectable” and the doctors all wondered how I hadn’t had a heart attack- I was 40.

Well it’s just as silly to say to Jesus “sorry In going to carry these heavy burdens by myself. “. When you release those burdens to him you become a new person because you have space for the love, peace and joy that had been crowded out by fear, anxiety and resentment.

The doctor told me this week that “we really beat you up on the inside”. That was startling to hear because I don’t feel like I was beaten up. I actually have relief. The horrific pain I had is over. Let God take that pain from you…no matter what it is and Follow Peter’s instruction,

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5‬:‭7‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/116/1pe.5.7.NLT

So surrender whatever those bags are that are on your back or weighing down your arms. Resist the temptation to root through them picking out the worst of the hurts. Just hand over the whole thing.

Doing that isn’t easy. If you’ve been around here for a while you know there have been some real struggles. Some so heavy that the journey went through Federal Court. We didn’t surrender those burdens alone. It took counseling, some amazing friends and pastors and intense conversations with God. Whether your body or your heart needs surgery it’s going to take time to heal! Give yourself grace and ask for help!! Be real with where you’re at!

Hey friends. I hope you are having a great week. I’ve been wrapping up my 2023 planner and I was counting up the books I read in 2023.

I was impressed considering the year we had and as I looked back over the books I read in 2023 they really did symbolize a whole lot of personal growth. Some of which I fought tooth and nail because it went against how my brain works.

This year I also started my book review journey again. Which I really hope to continue this year as well. Later this week I will share my plan for books in 2024!

Here are the books I completed in 2023

• Perfectionism
• Winnie the Pooh
• Resilient (Review book)
• Who stole my cheese?
• Becoming Elisabeth Elliot
• On Getting out of Bed (Review book)
• The Great Divorce
• Book Girl
• The House at Pooh Corner
• On Cleaning House While Drowning
• Tips to Romance Your Husband
• Tips to Romance your Wife
• Dwell (Review book)
• Becoming Free Indeed
• Find your People
• The 6 Working Geniuses
• Shepherding a Child’s Heart
• The Pray Better Devotional (Review Book)
• Courageous Creative
• Untapped church
• Share Your Story

The Romancing your husband and wife books hubby and I read together when we attended a Marriage conference back in March of 2023. We alternated pages and commented on the ideas given in the book.s. It was a great communication moment to share what we liked and didn’t like!

My to 2 favorite books of 2023 was

1) Share Your Story

2) Becoming Elisabeth Elliot (Not gonna lie I’m super excited for reading the sequel to this book later this year)

I can’t wait to share with you the goals and plan for 2024!

What were your favorite reads from 2023?

Every year I pick a word (or words ) for the year. Then in the weeks after the new year starts I write a blog post that starts like this, “Well that’s not what I intended” This year is no different. Except for one thing.. After June of this year I lost sight of my words. PATIENT ENDURANCE! Or at least I thought I did. Over the last few weeks I have beat myself up because I hadn’t’t made any progress in Patient Endurance…or at least so I thought.

I have these two amazing women in my life who have supported me on my writing journey for a number of years now, but it’s not just my writing journey really it’s life!! It’s not just one sided either. We lift each other up. Sometimes they ask hard questions to push me into next steps.

Well back in June my amazing friends asked me if I heard anything about “our case”. Our case was just a few short months shy of 9 years long. It’s had been a roller coaster ride of “soon but not yet” answers.

I told them no because Hubby.s phone had been stolen a year earlier and that was the only contact with the U.S. Attorney we had. Periodically we would do a google search for the guys name to See if the trial had happened. It was the same old news articles so over time I just gave up checking. For whatever reason that day when Beth asked- I felt drawn to search again .

This time was different…i stumbled on an FBI posting I had never come across before. I OPENED THE ARTICLE…it was pretty much just like the others BUT THIS TIME it had a U.S.Attorney.s name AND phone number. I closed my phone I got up from my bed. I was shaking. In my head and heart echoed CALL. I went to leave my room. I glanced back to my bed and the phone that laid in the middle of it. I walked back, hands shaking, I picked up the phone and I clicked on the link My phone dialed than rang.

My chest was pounding all I was looking for was a simple answer…..yes or no. That’s it. I got more than I bargained for. The answer was NO the trial hadn’t happened yet. I got transferred to a really nice lady. . D basically told me that if the attorney wanted to talk to us she would call us by the end of the week. I hung up…..shaing worse than when I started this. At least we had a date…END OF AUGUST.

Can you guess what happened at the end of the week? A big fat NOTHING! We let it go like all the other times and we just kept doing the everyday. Until two weeks later. I was at church after a day of ministry and meetings and I can’t remember where hubby was off to but I was sitting fat his desk using a charger when my phone rang. It was a blocked number. I almost didn’t answer, but something said Pick up. So I did.

The U.S. Attorney introduced herself and I nearly fell off the chair in shock. The details I learned from that phone call made me ill. I felt like I could throw up. I also learned more about the FBI and Federal Court system that I never wanted to know. At the end of the phone call she asked how I felt about the kids testifying? We may need them to. By this time I was outside of our church and I had just walked inside and two staff members had joined me…but they had no idea shat I was about to tell them.

I was in shock. The ball was in motion…..we would be involved and I had major regrets for ever making that call. We didn’t change our plans. We didn’t tell the kids yet. We ended our homeschool year, 3 kids went to work at Camp, hubby and I had phone meetings and even went to a meeting in the Federal building where our phones were confiscated. We went with a friend who had walked a similar path. Her words to and from were soothing to hubby and I. The laughter was healing. There would only be a sentencing…..no trial. (there will be another post on that subject) Sentencing was moved (as expected) . It moved from the end of August til the end of September. We started school. We went on vacation with friends. Ron and I left for a Pastors and Wives retreat. We left one week to the day before we were to appear in court.

Everyone else was having a great time…..we on the other hand had a job to do. Four victim impact statements had to be written. Hubby and I would take breaks and hike the trails around the retreat center. There is one trail I didn’t think I could do. It was steep….so very steep and I had killed my ankle and knee in June and I had not fully healed and the rocks that cover those Pennsylvania mountains were brutal.

Upon the encouragement of our teaching pastor who was also at the retreat we decided to hike the yellow trail Thursday morning. It was tough. I was in pain, it was a hard climb because for 3 months had babied my left leg. BUT IM INCREDIBLY STUBBORN AND I DONT GIVE UP EASILY. It took us way longer than it should have but as we reached the summit in the middle of the Poconos my phone rang. It shouldn’t have…..i shouldn’t have had reception. It was D. Our advocate. She informed us that our kids didn’t need to come and that none of us had to testify. None of us would have to stare at him in the face. Hubby and I could read our victim impact statements and that would be it.

We hugged and cried and cried and hugged. That climb was so very symbolic of those last nine years (we passed the anniversary the grinning of September) it was rocky, tricky and sometimes straight up. We had each others backs Then coming back down the very steep side I literally had to lean on hubby.

I look back on that time in September and yes in the months surrounding those events I may have dropped some balls. I may have lost track of some things and forgotten stuff but in the middle of all that we came out the other side maybe a little ruffled but we had our faith and our family intact and we had this amazing group of people who really acted as our Aaron and Hur. They held up our arms in some of the craziest times. Some of them even went to court with us. They sat with us, held our hands rubbed our backs and sobbed with us our words…..our testimonies of Gods grace and forgiveness were heard not only by the man who hurt us but also a judge, attorneys, and US Marshalls who sat in that court room.

As for the patient endurance I look back on The last year and from July through the end of the year I may have fallen short and dropped the ball in some areas but in hindsight we patiently endured 9 years. Waiting. There were lots of “Soon but not yet” Moments. The waiting is over. It was hard but the idea of endurance eludes to hard work. As much as I felt like I was failing I wasn’t. We ran that 9 year marathon. We kept our eyes on Jesus and we served with all of our hearts. We could have hid and licked our wounds. We could have protected ourselves and not let anyone in. We could have lived in fear. We could have said no to the Attorney. B. Instead we didn’t run that race for ourselves but for Jesus. We let Jesus shine through.gh the pain. That’s who we kept our eyes on. Patient Endurance isn’t always pretty it will sometimes be messy. That’s where Jesus comes in. He makes the messy beautiful!

Next week I will share my word for this year.

I know it’s been a long time and very sporatic at bestl

I’ve opened the app and the site sat and stared not knowing where to begin. I want my writing to be impactful and full of purpose but in the same respect I have just lost the joy of writing in this space like when I started writing here nearly 17 years ago.

A few weeks ago I really started contemplating why this was. it came down to a few things. Those things are:

l. When I started blogging it was simple. It was just me and my thoughts and a computer. Now when I write l create an image l fill out SEO stuff and I get lost in the tiny details. It’s all necessary and important but those details drastically suck the joy out of the writing process for me.

2. The expectations of my own writing and the perceived expectations of others. Over time as my writing has changed and growsn I seem to think that every writing piece needs to resemble some big work of spiritual art. The reality is that can’t always happen. Some days are yucky and Hard. I have nothing profound to say just the realness of my heart. THAT has been criticized in the past. There are people who didn’t like my being real with where I was. (That’s about to change). Keeping up of appearances is one of the things that needs to change, especially amongst Christians. God writes our story. He helps us through it and yet we don’t tell the how. We just put on a smile and say “Im all good” and no one is any the wiser, and the work of God in our hearts, minds and lives goes unused to help that person who may be having sleepless nights, falling tears and loneliness.

3. Criticism. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. I struggle with people pleasing and I have done a whole lot of recovering from that over the last two years. This past September I had to write a victim impact statement which got turned in to a federal court judge. A few days later I found myself sitting in a Federal Court before that same judge next to one of the most obnoxious defense attorneys. I read my statement. What happened next was…..frustrating to say the least. More criticism. I’m going to write more about this in the coming months. Walking away from that day I said well if I can face that nothing will phase me. Still……I chose silence.

I’m sure if I sat here I could think of a bunch more things. But those are the Bigs ones. I gave up on the things that I loved and that made me feel the most alive and connected to God. So now what?

For now Im going back to what worked at the very beginning. Bits and pieces of my life shared. Thoughts, questions fun pictures. Some days I won’t use SEO. Some days I will just write to heal, write to breathe, write to process. I’m not writing for you the reader. If along the way you like what Ive written….GREAT! If along the way God uses what I have written to impact you in some way…..AMHAZING. IF GOD USES MY WRITING TO HELP YOU GROW CLOSER TO HIM…..PRAISE HIM. In the meantime I will be sitting over here sipping my coffee, praying, reading and enjoying the process

Thanks for joining me on my journey of faith.

Steph and I have been friends for years. Since college really. We lost contact for a number of years and really reconnected through the magic of social media. Then through a mutual friend, we reconnected in person and on a deeper level. over the last two or three years, we have become each other’s cheerleaders. She really has influenced me deeply with her voice of reason. When I’m frustrated that I haven’t met my own expectations she is there to speak the truth and say “Goodness Mary, here’s the logical reason why you can’t seem to make that goal…Life is a little crazy for you right now.”

She makes it so I can take that big deep breath and let go of my lofty expectations! She has taken time to REALLY listen about some of the darkest times in my life. Steph has taken that time to literally breathe life back into my soul. Helping me to see Jesus in the middle of it all! helping me to see my value in the muck no matter how cruddy it all was.

She spoke the truth in the middle of the worst physical pain of my life!

We know that we can speak truth into each other’s lives and it will make a difference!

That kind of Influence is life-giving and that is why I asked Steph (And Beth) to be on my prayer team for this blog! You can check out their introduction in this post here.

That in and of itself is a powerful influence. but to be willing to speak the truth in love into someone’s life is one of the most powerful influences a person can have.

How about You?

who is someone that speaks truth into your life?

Do you let them influence you with that truth?

How can you influence someone by speaking the truth in their life?

You Can Check out more #31days2022 authors here!

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