I find it funny that in my darkest of moments I can convince myself of anything!

And the biggest lie of it all is….”no one understands or cares enough to understand what I am going through”

That couldn’t be farther from the truth!

First off God understands!   He loves us and cares for us.  He wants us to come running to him.  But we (and I mean I) dismiss that, because God isn’t …whatever ( insert your own excuse)!

I mean people Mary!

Ok so, i have an (as in 1) autistic child.   In a crowd full of parents of “Normal” kids….i feel pretty alone.  But what I don’t realize is that the mom who looks like she has it all together is feeling all alone because her husband just  left her.

And that woman in the corner who is chatting boisterously is feeling alone because both of her parents were killed in a car accident.

And the new mom at the table cuddling her infant son is feeling alone in her post pardem depression and lack of sleep!

That alone feeling strikes us all at various times in our lives and yet whether it’s embarrassment, or pride, or fear OR all of the above, we chose to hide it…..deep in those dark recesses of our hearts!

I want to challenge you to open up. Tell someone.  Ask God to give you courage and strength!   And share how you feel.  You can share with your best friend, your spouse, your mom, OR as I choose to, here on my blog.  Transparency helps others, and it helps you

I highly recommend it!

For more Dear Weary mom posts visit Hope For the Weary Mom!

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Ir really seems like i have to do this every. Single. Day.

My heart grows faint.  I feel as though I fail.   Somedays success is counting all four kids as they sleep.  If they are all there, it’s been a successful day!   Ah you think i jest but in reality losing a child ( literally) is something I have to deal with all the time.  It is probably the biggest worry right now in this phase of having a five year old son with autism!

I never know when or where he will bolt but i literally wake up with panic attacks in the middle of the night  and i have to go check to make sure he is still there.  I have spent SOOOO. Much time keeping my eyes on him that it seems as though EVERYTHING around me is falling apart.  I stand back and i look at half done projects, an unclean  house, devotions needing to be done, one filthy kid who fell asleep before his bath, burnt dinner (or completely forgotten at that). Late paperwork, unreturned phone calls missed emails…and forget the shower!

We like to think that life is this nice, neat little package, that needs to be handled the same way every time.  The problem is that not every day starts the same way!   We can start off the day with getting up early, doing our devos, getting the kids lunches packed….you know the mornings that RARELY start that way…lol we would love them to, but then  reality POPS that little day dream bubble!   It’s usually is with someone needing me for something, burning, barking, puking.  Phones ringing, knocks at the door. AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON………AND ON!

So at the end of the day when the four little munchkins are safe in their beds, and I collapse in a chair, unable to find the mental capacity let alone the physical ability to continue on, and as I scan the debris scattered around me and of the to-do list that once reached Tokyo that now is headed for Beijing and the mountain of laundry that seemed so accomplishable but now feels like Mount Rushmore, where or where do I turn.   I feel alone, ashamed..a failure!  

I have found solace in a couple of things…..

-God is always with me (even in my biggest of messes)

-my joy is not found in the approval of others

-nor is my purpose, rest or faith

-Christ’s blood covered ALL of my imperfections, AND  that is ALL. I need!

-My best is all i have to offer…..anything more is by the grace of God

Those are my resting points.  Those are the things I am confident in.   

I hope this helps!  It surely did for me, as i remind myself of my purpose…to bring glory to God in all that say and do.

That may not look like what you might expect…or what I might expect….

It might just mean being focused on others rather than that to-do list that now reaches to Turkey!

Have a great night all!

For more  Dear Weary Mom Posts visit Hope for the Weary Mom!

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…..and I promise they will, forgive them! We work so hard as moms to teach them, ” if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”  Usually this is all directed at siblings or little friends and/or acquaintances, but one day I promise it will be directed at you!  It’s gonna hurt..A LOT!  Then you are going to blame yourself.  You are going to tell yourself, “i failed my kid”. , ” i didn’t do a good enough job.”   No matter their age!  Whether they are 3 or 13.

This was a journey I had to endure a lot over the last year.  Something that I have endured with each child as they test new waters.  As we teach them respect, love and kindness.  And each one has matured and moved past this phase. Well all except one.  One who doesn’t understand life the way most people do.  At the drop of a hat life can change from a happy  fun day to a dark storm brewing in the corner of a room just waiting to explode for no apparent reason at all.  And whoever is in his path may just be in the line of fire of his brutal tongue lashing.

One thing we learned right away was to show no emotion.  Emotion fed his anger and frustration so in a soft voice we would respond, ” there is nothing you could ever say or do could ever cause us not to love you.”

So he re-directed his speech.  To God.  Oh this hurt a thousand times worse!  Especially since this little guy had prayed to be saved at age four before all of this started!  I doubted his faith as he went through this emotional frustration.  I thought to myself , ” oh Lord please forgive this little guy, he has no idea what he is saying!”

One day in particular was awful as i sat there holding my screaming, thrashing child….i prayed for strength!  I prayed for courage.  I prayed for help.  I started to sing…..amazing grace grace how sweet the sound…. He fought even harder andI sang   louder.  All of a sudden he relaxed, all the tension relieved!  I prayed out loud.  When i was done with tears running down his red little face he looked at me and said, “mommy i am so sorry for all the things I said.  I didn’t mean them.   I don’t know why I said them.” I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said ” i forgive you buddy, but do you know who else you need to say sorry to?”  He looked down at his lap and said “God”. And without one single prompt his folded his hand and closed his eyes and prayed the most eloquent prayer of repentance I had ever heard…from anyone…ever!  Let alone a nearly 5 year old Autistic boy!  At that moment i knew God  knew and understood!

My doubts were all gone.  I had a new understanding of forgiveness!  God will never hold his words against him….and neither should I.  Somedays it’s harder than others.  I have to realize it’s not my failure.  He’s human.  He’s gonna have bad days!  He’s going to sin, for that matter so will  I.

So why not be that picture of Christ to all my kids…not just the one who struggles!  After all they will all struggle!

The neat thing is now he asks for Amazing Grace and for me to pray out loud! And in that I have helped my son!

i know that this season is difficult press forward…god will bless!

For more Dear Weary Mom posts. Head over to Hope for the Weary Mom.