Chapter 9- when the World Presses in
Yet again another chapter that hits right at home!
I think at one time or another we have all experienced loss…..matter of fact I have experienced loss many times. A year ago our family experienced a year full of loss. In my adult years I have lost both grandmothers, many friends, and aunts and uncles, and church family.
But going back farther, as a teenager I experienced deep loss. Loss of what I initially believed defined who I was. At thirteen I was diagnosed with Macular Degeneration. I was told I was the youngest kid in the U.S. to have it at the time. At that moment in my life, I wasn’t really phased. I had that all too familiar invincible mentality. No worries I would have eye surgery and everything would be all good. Fast forward three years later. I was one month away from turning 16. I was so excited to get my driver’s license. My dad and I had even spotted car I really wanted….a little cobalt blue something. But then i started to notice things were changing, it was getting to the point where I couldn’t see notes on the board….I was terrified. But this time I wasn’t invincible, and everything began to unravel! There were eye doctor visits and at the end of one such the doctor asked me to really consider my options…..i could either have surgery and run the risk of making my eyes weaker, or possibly not being able to see at all, or not have the surgery, let the scar tissue become attached and have it stabilize. I prayed very hard and with peace that even I still don’t understand today, i chose no surgery. Everyone around me thought I was giving up. But what I was really chosing to do was to embrace what I still had. I thought it was a bad choice to risk what I still had.which coincidentally is quite a bit. I had people telling me i wasn’t trusting God enough. That He could heal me if I just believed enough. Here’s the thing what if God doesn’t want to heal you? What if by you having some sort of affliction brings Him more glory.
I won’t lie it was probably the darkest time in my life. Thoughts flashed through my head of not being good enough. Friends, I pretty much had none. They were ok as long as everything was going great but for the most part kids were cruel, and I was different. That usually makes for a bad mix!
Fast forward 17 years. I have been blind for over half of my life now. It hasn’t been all roses but I am married to an amazing guy. I have four amazing kids and a church family who loves us. I am living out my calling as a pastor’s wife. Those things are my bright spots but if you have been following my blog you know the last few months have been nothing short of a trial. And yet again It has been required of me to let some dreams go.
As our third child, our second son was diagnosed with Aspergers an autism spectrum disorder. There are some things I have had to let go of. I’ve had to come to the realization that we might be lifetime caregivers of our son. There is no guarantee that therapy or diet will work. We have seen that already as he gets worse instead of better. We also had to let go of the simple dream that he may never be able to read. There are many other dreams we have had to hand over to God. We have had to mourn the loss of relationships through this. It’s terribly difficult to have fair weather friends but you can tell who your true friends and cheerleaders are as you embark down a dark path with no idea where it would possibly lead.
Am I mad at God? No, no i’m not because i know what I deserve is far worse than this! I deserve the pit of hell. But through His grace and mercy I have a promise of HOPE, and I will gladly endure whatever for His Glory, for it is ONLY by his love that I can all ALL things!
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