Harshness- I think it’s safe to say we all have experienced it. It is demoralizing. It knocks us down. Many times it’s like a gut punch that totally knocks the wind right out of you, and you are left standing there gasping for life sustaining air.
Harshness has two definitions according to Oxford Languages online. It is defined as
- the quality of being unpleasantly rough or jarring to the senses.
- the quality of being cruel or severe.
This COMPLETELY dovetails with the trait of being rude. In my experience those who have been practicing or living out the negative influence trait f rude also struggle with harshness and the two of them together are a powerhouse of Negative Influence.
Definition #1
“Unpleasantly rough”. “”jarring to the senses”. Let’s take a trip to the grocery store. Now I have been one of those moms in the grocery store whose kid is wailing. Not because of anything in particular. See with his autism specifically when he was about 3 to about age 6 or 7 he was affected severely by Fluorescent lights. A kid with autism has so much more sensory stimulation than a non-autistic person.
So those florescent lights are VERY bright and they hum ( not to mention all the people, smells and colors). To you and I we can’t hear that lights hum. But to someone who has sensory processing issues it can drive them crazy. So if we were in the store for more than 10-20 minutes he would start to get agitated…and if we didn’t take that cue before too long we would have a screaming child seeking anyway to escape all that sensory input. (He has come a long ways since those days!)
What on earth does that have to do with Harshness?
Well as a parent I could have two responses. Either get him out of the store as fast as possible or I could be harsh and threaten him and yell and scream . (we’ve all seen that scenario right?). I could choose to understand what my child is going through OR I could grab a hold of his arm or body and be harsh. If I remember first and foremost that he is human- he’s not perfect, then remember that he cannot communicate his needs like most children his age and then remember that sensory overload is causing all of this I can choose to be calm and patient and just remove him from the situation.
I spent years sitting in the welcome area of our church because he couldn’t handle the music- not because the music was too loud but because he couldn’t handle the buzz from the old speakers (It took me YEARS to figure out that one- he leaned over one day and asked why does it make that AWFUL noise?” I was confused but then as hubby said something I heard an ever so slight crackle and I knew exactly what he was hearing all during the music)
There is a flip side to the grocery store scenario
It’s the people casting judgement on that mom with the screaming kid! We immediately pass judgement that she is a horrible parent and that her kid is a spoiled brat just screaming to get their way. They give condescending looks and evil glares and some people are even bold enough to let that mom have it with both barrels (as if she wasn’t struggling with the embarrassment already). But it doesn’t end there! Then they go home and make a public service announcement on facebook about how parents need to make their kids behave in grocery stores. Their harshness not only made the mom in the grocery store feel guilty, their harshness on social media just made every mom who has ever had THAT experience in the grocery store feel that much worse!
A Personal Story of Drastic Harshness
Back when hubby was going through the canidating process the first time (13 years ago) our oldest son was about 3 years old. Between canidating hubby would fill the pulpit- preaching for churches who didn’t have pastors. We were scheduled to speak at a church a few hours from home and it was winter. Well we were invited to stay with a family from the church overnight so Sunday wouldn’t be as stressful (HA).
So we set out. It was a long drive and it was taking even longer than expected because a snow storm had popped up (Common for lake effect snow here in New York). And They lived in the middle of NOWHERE. We had been in the car for hours and hours and the stress level of driving through the woods hoping and praying you were still on the road you can no longer see was terrible and we had three kids three and under in the back of the car.
We arrived at the home and was immediately expected to sit down to dinner. The couple was older- never having children of their own and from a different culture (There were from Sweden).
A Not so Great Start
Well despite the fact they knew the reasons why we were late they let us know just how inconvenient it was for them. So sitting down to dinner things were feeling tense already. Anybody guess what Happened next? Our three year old son was NOT ready to sit. He had just been sitting in the car for 3 or 4 hours, most of which in the dark because the lights go out here in NY at 4 pm in the winter). He was hungry, but the energy bursting throughout his little body needed to escape He had a SERIOUS case of the wiggles
And it get’s worse
And before Hubby and I knew what was happening this giant of a man stood up leaned across the table red-faced in anger (spit flying) began screaming at our son. He began to wail in fear. I pulled him in close and the man than proceeded to chide me about coddling him and that he needed to learn proper behavior. I was so livid But I held my tongue. I listened as he proudly went on to tell us that he did this to children in the grocery store as well and that is was this great help to the parents (it was his perceived help- I can assure you it didn’t help)
At that very moment hubby and I knew we would NEVER come back to that church again. He was a leader within the church and we couldn’t imagine what his harshness and temper looked like within the church but we knew it wasn’t good. (we weren’t wrong).
A hypocritical Insight
Later that evening after getting the kids settled in bed I rejoined the husband and wife downstairs along with hubby. They had a lovely dog who was very sweet and very well mannered. I didn’t feel much like talking but I commented on how calm the lab was. The man without missing a beat shared with me that he learned that you should NEVER break a dog’s spirit by being too harsh with it (REALLY??? DID HE REALLY JUST SAY THAT? So it’s ok to break the spirit of children…children you have never met before or any child for that matter?)
I was dumbfounded.
Years later that man is long gone I only veer met him once- but his negative influence of harshness is still impacting me All from one 30 second tirade on my 3 year old son.
Definition #2
“The quality of being cruel or sever”
The man above was definitely cruel and severe. He was an extreme. But there are lots of extremes we tend to struggle with. Harshness is abusive. Severe, cruel words= verbal abuse. Cruel and severe actions =physical abuse. And I could go on Sexual abuse, emotional abuse and spiritual abuse are all rooted in harshness.
The opposite of Harshness if you remember is Gentleness. It’s simple to see how abuse would be a negative influence on people’s lives and yet we still choose our own rights over other people’s well beings.
Remeberber way back to Kindness and I shared the song I learned as a kid from Ephesians 4:32? Well did you know that just prior to that well loved verse Paul gives its a command about how to be kind?
Ephesians 4:30-31 NLT
30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own,[e] guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
Did you catch that? “Get rid of ALL”. Not just some….not just certain parts ALL..every last piece. and if we don’t we will bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit. YIKES.
Being Kind starts with getting rid of all that is unkind.
So to the man from back at the beginning of this series who thought it was his job to tell people how stupid they are/were. NO it is not your job as a believer to do that! We HAVE to stop holding onto our “RIGHTS”. the Bible Never says you have the right to be bitter and angry, too have rage or to have harsh words for other people and to slander people. It tells us just the oppose cast them off get rid of them….don’t hold onto those things because first of all it grieves God and secondly it hurts people.
1 Corinthians says LOVE people and tells you how.
Galatians tells us the fruit of the spirit in a believers life (Hint NONE of them are harsh words- bitterness- anger- and the like).
In the Heat of the Moment
As I began to study out this passage a verse immediately came to mind. And it’s true. When we do get into situations (and we will) it’s easy to let harsh words fly back and forth. But we need to remember that harsh words aren’t our right instead remember the wisdom of Proverbs 15:1 NLT
A gentle answer deflects anger, but a harsh word makes tempers flare.
This isn’t a promise- this is just wisdom. Sometimes we will say a gentle word and the anger will still flare because the other person has just chosen to be angry.
But I can honestly tell you that if the man had chosen a gentle word for our 3 year old son my temper would have never flared. And I would have never had to really work at controlling that temper like I did in that moment.
Now it’s Your turn
Do you live life being harsh to others? Have you experienced harshness and in turn been harsh to other people? Ask God to show you the harshness you have dished out and ask God to reveal to you any harsh treatment that you have experienced that you are harboring in your heart that is turning you into a bitter person? And then we need to do the hard heart work to repent and turn away from that. We need to let God transform that harshness into gentleness so we can impact this world for his glory. We VANNOT do this in our own power.
Thank you for doing me today and I pray you have a great rest of it!
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