Hey friends welcome to a new series I will be working on through the end of October. The Grace-Filled Leader is a series born out of the last number of years focused on what it means to be influential. We use the phrase “influencer” so often in reference to social media but in reality you and I are influencers every single day. We influence our friends, co-workers and family. We don’t tend to see ourselves as leaders. Many of us don’t hold or even seek leadership titles but when push comes to shove we all lead SOMEONE.
It’s a Matter of HOW We Lead.
Whether I’m in a group of friends or in my home I am a leader. Whether I like it or not. In my group of friends I can choose to go along with Gossip or a can change the subject and move the group away from that. If I’m in my home I can set the tone with my family. I can be grumpy jumping to conclusions about what’s in my children’s hearts. To speak up when something is wrong is a choice for leadership is to lead in the right direction and to not say anything is also a choice. And it’s usually not the right direction. Let’s talk about 3 traits that amazing leaders exemplify
Trait #1. Asks Questions Without Pre-Judgement
Whether it’s in our homes, at schools or in our jobs it’s real easy to jump to conclusions. We make assumptions about our kids motives, our friends emotions or our employees intentions. Truth of the matter is …I’m not God. And here’s a shocker neither are you. Learning to ask pointed open-ended questions is a way to hear and learn the heart of others. It teaches us about the other person. And if we listen with an open heart rather than preconceived notions we grow our influence in that persons life. We have the ability to lead in that persons life like never before.
Trait #2. Humility
So often we get this idea about ourselves. “I’m really good at…. “. it can be something we think we are good at OR it can be something that others have told us we are good at. Our heads tend to swell a little bit. And then someone comes along and says you blew it in that area….and we become defensive. Instead of listening and ASKING QUESTIONS we dismiss the person. A number of years ago I became super excited over an opportunity. I didn’t think and asked for someone to volunteer to do something. I had totally forgot that I had discussed months earlier with someone else to fill in. I blew it. But I didn’t know that until I woke up the next morning to a very upset phone call. Yes that person could have handled her attitude and emotions better. She could have not made accusations. She could have asked questions but what’s more….I should have let that person be hurt. I could have apologized and admitted my mistake. But instead I called the person out. I lost my influence with that person. I have been on the receiving end of this too. I have been in the presence of multiple people, who had great influence in my life and in the midst of my struggle they said something that immediately changed how much influence I allowed them to have. Here are a few gems..
“I’m sorry you took it that way”. (That’s not an apology-or humility).
“I pride myself in….” (This is an immediate shut down of any productive conversation and shows an unwillingness to hear someone else out and grow from it).
Anything related to shutting down any emotions.
Downplaying someone who has been hurt and the emotions they felt from that.
I once sat in a car opposite another leader. I was trying to help her understand how she hurt one of her friends. The leader said “I’m sorry she took it that way but she needs to….” I knew in that brief interaction that there was not going to be a heart change. She didn’t (whether she couldn’t or wouldn’t) see that what she had done was very damaging to her friend. She thought she was right. And when that is the attitude instead of humility relationships are damaged. Influence and leadership opportunities are lost.
A Word on Apologies.
Time and again I watch people in their homes, in the church, and with their friends and in their jobs double down on their self-preservation . Admitting you are wrong is one of the hardest things we can do but it can also be the most influential as well. When we admit that we handled things poorly, misunderstood, made a mistake or acted wrongly we are humbling ourselves before others. We need to do the same before God too. After all only he knows what is in a persons heart, what they were thinking or feeling. It’s not about what we think we know or how we perceive a situation. Sometimes we forget our place and our purpose. Our purpose isn’t to glaze over a persons frustration with platitudes. Our purpose isn’t to downplay someone’s grief. Our purpose isn’t to protect ourselves from hard things someone is saying about us. Our purpose is to love our neighbor as ourselves. Be sure though that if you’re going to apologize that you are also going to work to make the change it takes.
Trait #3. Patience.
Sometimes we have expectations of people to be something they aren’t. A professor in college drummed into our Ministering to Youth class that you should “meet people where they are not where you want them to be”. It’s real easy to look at someone and say “they should be further along in their walk than that. The problem is maybe there’s some underlying stuff that the person has just never had to deal with before. And maybe they are just in a super difficult part of life in that moment that you can’t see and it’s compounding the issue. So yes it makes a world of difference in how they handle all the things. Stifling raw emotions doesn’t help get to the root issue. Asking questions does!!! Listening and really hearing their hearts does. Being humble and not assuming their motives or intentions takes time and effort. helping them feel seen and heard allows you an opportunity to speak life into those hard moments. It’s not about saying “I see and hear you”. Think more along the lines of , “I can see how you feel frustrated with that”.
I’ve had to learn this the hard way both in my making the mistakes but also being on the receiving end.
When I worked at a crisis pregnancy center we had a saying that was quoted frequently “they don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care”. I was often given the “hard women” that wouldn’t talk much during the intake process. I made mistakes with some. Where I talked too much instilling in them all of my knowledge and my insights into their situations. But I quickly learned that I didn’t have much to write about in my NAP form after my mentoring session. So I changed my approach. Before long I was able to answer questions about the client that others couldn’t get. I was asked how did you get her to tell you that? My answer….I asked. And then I listened. Those mentoring moments taught me to ask the hard questions. But because I listened and didn’t pass judgment it gave me opportunities to speak into those women’s lives that I wouldn’t have otherwise had. I could have lost my influence but because I was humble enough to learn from my mistakes I had the opportunity to go deeper and share the gospel with these women.
The Big Question
So where do you find yourself struggling with leadership?
Home? Work? Friends? Ministry?
And which one of those traits do you and God need to spend time working on?
