CNN Syndrome in Parenting

Posted on by Mary

A couple of weeks ago I was listening to a class diligently taking notes when all of a sudden I found my mouth hanging open in shock.

The teacher of the class had said something that I had identified with and I was stunned that there was a name to go along with it.

I had to pause the class and take a breath assessing my heart….so what is CNN Syndrome in parenting?

Well , CNN is a news organization right? So what takes up the majority of any news cast? Negative news. They might have a feel good piece or two but for the most part “the news”=negativity.

As young parents we had high ideals. And so did the people around us. And when our kids didn’t live up to those standards we did what everyone else around us was doing ….complain about your kids.

Living in a fishbowl as a ministry family everyone also felt the need to tell us about how our kids were falling short. Before long all we could see was the negative. (That’s what happens when you watch too much news-you get depressed and negative) In the middle of all of this we learned that one of our children had special needs. That nearly broke us. Screaming, banging his head. He was 4 but had reverted back to an 18 month old level.

Nothing like God rearranging your hopes and dreams of having these highly trained little soldiers falling in line behind you! That was the goal. We followed all the training books. We were consistent. We jumped through the hoops dragging our kids through them. And when it came right down to it. It wasn’t working. And so what did we do? Complained. Speaking ill of our kids. To other people both in front of them and in private.

When our child with autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) was diagnosed it forced Ron and I to take a long hard look at our child training techniques and who we were as parents and who our kids were as CHILDREN. We slowly began to change our perspective. We had to decide to let go of what we thought was most important and began to see our kids as Jesus did. AKA Imperfect works in progress. I wish I could say that was the end of our struggle as parents dealing with CNN Syndrome. But it wasn’t. The reality is it’s still a struggle, because it was such an engrained way of thinking when they were little.

Sometimes something happens that makes life come to a screeching halt and you find yourself isolated, alone, with your family. The attack is huge, daunting and sickening. And immediately you start to question what exactly is going on. God rewrites what you thought you always knew.

He changes you to be the mother hen that shelters her sweet chicks from whatever is about to happen. Our story I’ve shred here about the abuse our family endured in 2014. But what I haven’t shared is the excuse both the abuser and his family used to justify the abuse two of our children endured. They claimed he was disciplining our kids because we never did. There are so many things I could say about that.

First of all- we didn’t discipline our children in public. (That’s abuse). Secondly even if we didn’t discipline our children that is never a reason to lay hands on anyone’s children. Physically OR sexually. The latter is what he was guilty of. In these moments of false accusations we realized that we had bought a lie. As our kids met with district attorneys, counselors and police officers we heard about how amazing our kids were. We had lost sight of what God was doing in them at their young ages. We began to pay attention to their character. Were they perfect NOPE. But our perspective changed a lot. We began to notice where they were growing and where their struggles were. We kept their struggles private. Public humiliation intended or not hugely damages a child and even if you say it in private it always gets back to your kiddo.

I’ve seen time and time again when working with kids and teens they have heard what their parents say about them. And it is damaging. We have had to apologize to our kids for our insensitivity to their hearts. And for tearing them down. Our jobs as leaders, friends and especially parents is to build up and not tear down. You can deal with problems and struggles with your kids and still build up.

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭29‬ ‭NLT‬‬

As parents we say, “I love my kids.” But love goes beyond words, beyond making supper or doing laundry….heres a reminder of what true Christ-like love is. Our kids need to see Christs radical love and who better to show it than the ones God gave the gift of our kids to,

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4‬-‭8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

When we started choosing to build up and not tear down we began to see such a difference in our kids. The difference? They had confidence that we loved them. That they had a safe place to share their hearts AND THEIR STRUGGLES.

I bet you thought I was going to say they became more obedient. The reality is raising children is a cycle. No matter the stage they are in you are always dealing with the same few issues…the issues just get bigger and heavier. So build on them. I don’t expect my kids to be fully obedient (but trust me I want them to be) . God h wants us (kids AND parents) to be obedient as well but He understands that perfection won’t be attained until we get to heaven. That’s where grace and mercy come in.Some days I still struggle being obedient to the Heavenly Father. My headstrong self still wants to get my own way and my pride gets in the way.

Yes we deal with the disobedience. Ron and I will talk about it but our home is a place of safety and we do our very best to protect that. Yes sometimes in the heat of the moment we may fail and say something we shouldn’t but our kids know NOW that we are their cheerleaders and not the ones who will gossip about them.

A word about Gossip and your kids. There are times in a parents journey where you need to seek advice/counsel in handling a situation for a child. We are asked all the time about how to handle special needs issues with children. Seeking counsel isn’t a bad thing but be very careful. What’s the purpose of you talking to another person about the struggle you and your child are having? Is it just to vent and complain? OR I are you seeking to gain perspective and help. I have a friend Steph. We vent to each other about our kids but we also understand that the other person is going to speak truth in our current situation and we pray for each other on our journeys.

Seeking advice or counsel but then only shooting said advice or counsel shows a lack of wanting to actually grow in the situation. And is a warning sign of just wanting to gossip about your child(ren).

As a youth leader/mentor it’s hard for me to undo what’s been done by parents even well meaning ones. Parents have a privileged job to help their kids feel loved and safe.

Parenting is hard. Everyone has an opinion about how to raise and handle kids. I still have friends who are judgmental about how we handled our kids. The reality is they are passing judgement without joining us on the journey . Don’t let this people live rent free in your head. You are accountable for your actions and how you handled your kids. And don’t let other peoples negative speech impact how you treat your kids!

What are you carrying?

Posted on by Mary

When I was a freshman in college I attended one of the larger churches in our area. I was super excited about being a part of this church’s drama team. For weeks every Wednesday night I sat in their auditorium watching the drama team practice various sketches. I never got to be a part of the drama team because I wasn’t a church member but those weeks weren’t wasted. I sat and learned and soaked in all the drama-y things I could. However, one night the sketch hit hard. It was of a person lugging around all this very heavy baggage. Stuff they were never meant to carry. Suffering, pain, loss. You get the idea. It struck a cord. I was carrying around a bunch of stuff. But I wasn’t about to give it up. Not yet anyway.

I haven’t thought about that sketch in YEARS. I have handed over all the baggage I was hauling around at 19. Every once in a while I will pick up a bag and sling it on my back and God as always gently takes it from me and I keep following him.

This last week however I haven’t been able to get this sketch off my mind. And it’s not because I heaved a bunch of baggage up from the past and claimed it as my own again. Nope. Instead I had this eye opening experience.

Two weeks ago I had surgery to remove a massive tumor from my stomach. Praise the Lotd it wasn’t cancer. BUT that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t something dangerous. I was carrying around a tumor that as I put in my last blog post was literally remodeling my insides. It was damaging me from the inside and it was making me sick. It affected my bladder, both intestines and bowel amongst other things. It required removal of nonessential organs and when I had a follow up appointment this week the doctor told me the size. It weighed 8 times its normal weight. EIGHT TIMES. (That’s including the tumor). I did some quick calculator math. It turns out that’s only 1.2 ish pounds. And my immediate thought was, “oh that’s not too bad at all.” And in the recess of my mind God whispered, it is if it’s not supposed to be there. So back to my calculator I went. .16 pounds is how much that organ is supposed to weigh.

It’s no wonder that grapefruit sized tumor was wreaking havoc on my system. My body was NEVER meant to carry around that.

Just like we were never meant to carry around the hurt, pain, resentment, stress and abuse of a lifetime. And yet we do. We shove it in the proverbial backpack of life and lug it around with us everywhere we go. We become a pack mule carrying all the crud we’ve decided we can’t live without.

The problem is we cannot carry all that around with us because if we do it’s robs us of our Joy peace and love. It will either keep us from having relationships with those around us OR it will destroy the relationships we already have. So what are we to do? Let Jesus do surgery. It’s not easy or pleasant. And we will come out with some scars. I would have had serious medical issues if I would have fought the Doctor and said no this is my tumor. I must carry my tumor. It’s my responsibility. That’s just silly.

That tumor would have caused kidney failure or disease or any other number of issues. This is my second time with this type of tumor and the last time it depleted my iron levels in my blood to “undetectable” and the doctors all wondered how I hadn’t had a heart attack- I was 40.

Well it’s just as silly to say to Jesus “sorry In going to carry these heavy burdens by myself. “. When you release those burdens to him you become a new person because you have space for the love, peace and joy that had been crowded out by fear, anxiety and resentment.

The doctor told me this week that “we really beat you up on the inside”. That was startling to hear because I don’t feel like I was beaten up. I actually have relief. The horrific pain I had is over. Let God take that pain from you…no matter what it is and Follow Peter’s instruction,

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5‬:‭7‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/116/1pe.5.7.NLT

So surrender whatever those bags are that are on your back or weighing down your arms. Resist the temptation to root through them picking out the worst of the hurts. Just hand over the whole thing.

Doing that isn’t easy. If you’ve been around here for a while you know there have been some real struggles. Some so heavy that the journey went through Federal Court. We didn’t surrender those burdens alone. It took counseling, some amazing friends and pastors and intense conversations with God. Whether your body or your heart needs surgery it’s going to take time to heal! Give yourself grace and ask for help!! Be real with where you’re at!

Finding the Funny in the Not so Funny:Thankful Thursday.

Posted on by Mary

I mentioned in my last blog post that I needed to have surgery. Well it’s six days out from that.

I have a very large non-cancerous tumor slowly trying to remodel my insides.

Some days I have no pain. Other days I have pain that rivals child birth. Your insides were not meant to be remodeled. God put them right where they needed to be.

A Miserable Day Turned Funny

Today was a Pain day. I have gone 3 days with little to no pain. Then I wake up this morning BAM. No warning. Today also happens to be pre-op appointment day. So off to the city in the North. Just constant waves of pain. You don’t need the rest of the details. Needless to say it was miserable.

Until….

I took a new med. New meds make me nervous. I once had to take a muscle relaxer…..1 pill knocked me out for 3 days. There’s a reason why I only take 1/2 a Benadryl. And why Prednisone is on my no-no list with all the Drs offices.

I can have strong med reactions.

I liken Prednisone to a real life stupid pill for me. I cannot function at all. Not even to make coffee!

So I’m hesitant.

There’s a reason they tell you to start at bedtime!

Well I was in so much pain by the time I got back to church that I was desperate. I couldn’t sit, stand, or lay down to get relief. So I broke down and took the pill and waited for the promised “knock out”. FYI it never came.

Instead what I got was the fuzzy brain feeling, then this general all over numb feeling. Then the brain disconnected from the thumbs and eyeballs. I couldn’t string thoughts together to type a text message. I couldn’t read the book I’ve been working on- took me thirty minutes to read 4 paragraphs. Pretty sure I’m going to have to go back and read those 4 paragraphs again.

Ron asked me what I wanted for dinner (via text). I told him what I wanted…dozed off .. told him NEVERMIND …dozed off again….told him something completely different ….dozed off again.

Needless to say we managed to get dinner figured out. I scrolled and dropped my phone on my face at least twice while I waited.

I am fed and my stomach is MOSTLY happy.

When I went to the kitchen I kept tripping over my own two feet and I dropped two bottles out of the fridge. It felt like some comedic actor pretending they had too much to drink.

So where does the thankful come in?

I look back at today and I can say Thank you Jesus I don’t have any pain right now. This is the most pain free I’ve been in ages.

I can be thankful that I could eat something. And I can be thankful that I have a sense of humor. That I can look at today and say wow that was ENTERTAINING.

When I got back to church I was frustrated with the whole situation. I prayed about it . I thanked God for so many things (this was after I took the med-it will be an interesting read later). Ann Voskamp calls it the Hard Eucharisteo! Choosing to be thankful even in the hardest of circumstances. In her book One Thousand gifts she talks about her son’s hand getting caught in the farm exhaust fan. My stomach tightens as I remember her description of the event.

I can be thankful over the next 6 days and in the recovery time for silly things like not being able to type a message or tripping over air . I can be thankful for a med that helps with pain. I can be thankful for friends.

Sometimes we get wrapped up IN all the gunk we are experiencing that we forget just how kind God is. Tar-Leigh Cobble talked about this a while ago in the Bible ReCap- she brought up from the psalms that God is kind. And how as believers we don’t really ever talk about Gods kindness. I firmly believe that humor is one of the many ways God is kind to us.

So take a long look at your hard day….what was funny? What made you giggle?

I already shared mine…but here’s another from our trip north. We passed a store named Dazed….they sell cannabis. You’re welcome.

Thank God for the giggles he brought your way.

I think Tara had it right. She has wrecked my brain and my heart about us not talking about Gods kindness. So I’m going to do something about it. I’m going to bring attention to it.

How has God been kind to you!? Tell me in the comments!

Summer

Posted on by Mary

Hey friends I don’t know about you but it’s been an absolute whirlwind around here!

We just had our second kiddo graduate in two years on Saturday. Life is moving at the speed of light. This Saturday we will celebrate her and her accomplishments at her grad party. And then in 8 days I will have surgery. Pretty major and complicated surgery at that. And my summer will come to a screeching halt while most of my families summer will include some MAJOR adventures.

One of the goals I set back a few months ago was to really pour into the writing over the summer BUT that was before I found out that I was going to have EXCESSIVE time on my hands.

So when I found out life was going to get interesting a few weeks ago I really began to pray about what writing might look like over the summer.

So here’s what I’ve got:

  • Mondays – Youth Ministry Minute. I have been writing these on and off over the last number of months to our youth leaders so why not publish them here too!!
  • Wednesdays: A few years ago I participated in a weekly posting called Word-Filled Wednesday. Well that no longer exists to my knowledge so I’m gonna create my own. I’m calling it Walking in the Word Wednesday (fits nicely with the blog title)!
  • And finally I’m going to bring back Thankful Thursday. But I’m not just going to list things I’m thankful for. We might still do some of that but we are also going to talk about how to be thankful, Living with Gratitude in the middle of not so great circumstances and so on.
  • And then finally whatever else fun I want to throw in here and there.

I hope you join me on this summer time journey!

Blessings,Mary

The Climb

Posted on by Mary

(This blog post was originally written in September of 2024, but never got published now is the time. For further information on what this post is about check out this post here)

I have been going around and around and around about what this crazy blog post should be called We have just passed a year since our day in Federal Court and the week leading up to said day in court hubby and I experoienced a mountain climb like no other.

Injured.

The prvious two years I had severly injured both of my ankles. In 2022 it was my left ankle We were pretty sure that I had broken it or some part of my foot due to the black streak across the top of my foot that lingered for months . In June of 2023 I had a serious mishap with a wet hose in the pouring rain as I ran to cover some very delicate seedlings. Needless to say the seedlings never got covered and I ended up on a chair with a very swollen ankle, knee and sore hip. Did I mention it was the same one. I couldn’t bend it very well again. Crutches, a brace and a long healing time.

Over my lifetime I have become accustomed to falls. It really is the life of a person with a visual impairment as my depth perception is lacking. Ron will often alert me to steps or uneven ground.

Just before I fell last year my two dear friends Steph and Beth had been asking me about our “case”. We had never heard the outsome as Ron’s phone was stolen. and that was the only way the US attorney could contact us. Honestly we just wanted to let it go and forget about it but these two friends…..so I googled like all good techie girls do….It wasn’t my first rodeo in this search.

But this time I landed on a different site. All the others had been the same, no info 2-3 years old right from the time he was arrested. USELSS was about the best word to descibe the websearch, but then…..a new link still a few years old but this one had the phone number OF THE ATTORNEYS OFFUICE.

I turned off my phoe.

I sat there staring at it. A voice echoing in my head….CALL. Call now.

I picked up my phone and tapped the number.

it was staring me in the face….CALL

I clicked call

RING RING RING

hello?

The rest os kinda a blur …I said who I was and how I was related to the case. All I wanted to know was, What happemed?

He was arrested in 2021, surely he must be tried and sentenced by now. Nope. He plead out. Sentencing would be in a few months. Wow. Just wow. Let’s just say the real court system does NOT operate on the same time allotment as Law and Order!

The sweet lady on the end of the phone told me that if the Attorney needed us (WAIT WHAT?) she would let us know by the end of the following week. The following week came and went and so did two more weeks. Then one day when I was at church My phone rang. Hi is the Mrs_______This is Assisstant US ATTORNEY________ Can we talk?

The next 30-45 minutes was full of lots of information I never EVER wanted to know about the case. Sentencing was scheduled for the end of August. It was likely to be rescheduled. Would you and Mr _________ be willing to testify in the sentencing or write victim impact statements. OH and would you consider letting your kids testify???

By this point I was Shaking by the overload of all that I had just heard and learned. Let alone being asked if I would be willing for my children come face to face with their abuser. For the first time time in 9 years. Everything within my body screamed “heck no.”

We were warned that sentencing might be changed from August to a later date. And even more so.

Sentencing was rescheduled for the end of September. Life was a whirlwind of crazy emotions. Not just for Ron and I but for all of our kids as well. In the middle of the wait my ankle was getting better but I had no flexibility in it and I was wearing a brace 24/7.

We had agreed to go on vacation with Steph and her family in early September which was a very welcomed distraction to say the leaset, all the while the US Attourney kept saying ” we aren’t sure if we need the kids yet”

The week before sentencing Ron and I spent almost every waking hour talking about and writing 4 victim impact statements that would be turned into the judge. I emailed mine first. Then the two kids. One week before the sentencing we said goodbye to our kiddos and headed off to a pastot’s and wives Retreat. I can hnestly say we were highly distracted and other than mealtimes we didnt spend much time with others. What we did do was we spent a whole lot of time hiking. We hiked and talked bum ankle and knee included. We hiked every trail but one. The one with the scenic outlook. With each passing day and the trails I was gaining some flexibility back in said ankle. Finally the last day Ron Looked at me and said ” Mary you wanna try it”. I reluctanty said yes.

Just like he did on every other hike Ron would say, Step here, hold onto my shoulder, hold my hand I will guide you.”

God does that right? He wants us to lean on him and trust his movement in our lives. Leaning on him, holing our hands, guiding us. In these monents over the last 9 years we have had no choice but to lean on God, let him direct us because blazing new trails is not an option.

We started off kinda rough. The camp hadnt taken down the signs for the old yellow trail so we were misguided for a bit.

So many people had good intentions over the last 10 years trying to sooth our wounds. “don’t worry te kids will forget”. Don’t buy that lie, they don’t and they won’t ever firget. there were lots of other misdirected advice as well.

We got turned back around, headed in the right direction….and then I came face to face with something I find terrifying…A LADDER. Im not afraid to say it, Im deathly afraid of heights, and Im ok with that. So now what? This thing was terrifying…..NOTHING was holding me back from this. Ron offered multiple times to turn around. BUT I’m stubborn, he knows this. So slowly (without looking down) climbed that crazy ladder.

the trail smoothed out after this. we left the stony rocky terraine of Pennsylvania Creek beds and boulder fields for a steeper climb. THIS WAS HARD. I kept telling Ron this really does signify the last nine yers. For parts of this trail he had his hand on my back pushing me albeit gently forward. We have taken that role on for each other over the years. Supporting each other through all the hard climbs we’ve faced.

As you climb mountains, the higher you get, the thinner the trees get. It was a beautiful fall day and as we climbed we were getting closer and closer to the top, just a few more feet Ron would tell me. Just a few more feet. I stopped to catch my breath. There were a group of teens ahead enjoying the overlook. The top was just steps away….my phone rang. We were 5 days till sentencing and this was the Atttorneys office.

Hi Mrs_____ this is so and so (the advocate we were working with. ) __________ wanted me to call and tell you that the kids won’t need to testify in sentencing. Matter of fact they don’t even need to come that day. Your victim impact statemnts to the judge were enough. The tears flowed freely. I dont even remember saying goodbye to the advocate. The teens passed by and I didn’t care.

A few steps further and we stepped into the overlook break in the trees. We could see everything. The whole camp. We had the whole picture. Answered prayers. A willingness to “do the next right thing” whatever that looked like. Was it easy? NOT A CHANCE. We had endured that 9 year climb. WE never stopped doing the next right thing. Making Jesus our center focus. teaching each one of our kids what forgiveness and grace looks llike. Were there times I wanted to quit on that hike. 100%. BUT i kept taking that next step forward. We enjoyed the moment. Praising God for walking with us on this journey and for caring for our family. For providig the friends who would journey with us to court the next week.

But that moment lasted but a brief moment. because what came next was we had to go back the way we came or do we head down the other side? Hmmmm. Down the otherside of course. We needed to go full circle right? At least thats how my brain worked? The catch….ITS STEEEEEEP. And my ankle doesn’t bend easily that way, but we did it anyway.

My hands firmly placed on Ron’s shoulders each step of the way. I leaned on him. He told me with each step where to place my feet. If I didn’t quite listen or get it right my ankle would tweak and I would grimmace in pain. Ron’s shoulders hurt for days afterwards.

What a picture of love and care and sacrifice Ron had for me. I really believe that he modeled Jesus’ love for us in those moments.. AT one point he even offered to carry me to which a loudly declined. ….something about not wanting to fall down the mountain… ( thats a story for another blog post). One more analogy for you though. Coming down the other side of the mountain…..in the weeks following the sentencing our kids struggled with a lot of questions, fear and anxiety. It wasn’t all rainbows and flowers after.

As we neared the road and I could see the end of the hike in sight I let go of Ron’s hand. I sprang to one rock and then another and another until i stepped on a loose rock. I fell. I twisted that bad akle and Ron said, I told you to be careful. I didn’t heed his warning. I didn’t hold onto him. I could finish by myself. I reached out and I held his hand, even on the flat road -we had done it. We completeled this leg of the journey and I knew going into the following Wednesday that our friends who journeyed with us would be holding our hands. giving us stregth. being Jesus just like Ron had been. So thank you, Alyssa, Dawn, Justin, Annie, Mike, Steph, and Beth for helping us take those next steps to our mountain top and down the other side. We are so grateful for all of you!

Blessings,

Mary